Dear Ladybug:

I did think about the possibility that in this thread your focus was him and only him/ the relationship with him but that elsewhere you had more than him and the relationship on your mind.

About the conversation you need to have with him, “to get to the bottom of why he did it”, I sure hope a series of conversations will make it clear to you, and to him. I hope he is able and willing to look into the reasons. I would initiate these conversations (I can’t imagine one conversation being adequate) in as casual, non alarming way as possible, gently, have conversations in small bite pieces.

I think that you do deserve that “this type of thing never happens again”, that is, that you will never again, to be specific, have sex with a man who avoids eye contact with you… so to not make it personal. That you will never again live with a man who will withdraw from you for days at a time, still living with you, suggesting or threatening that a final break may or will happen next.

Regarding “He truly was going through an identity crises”, what you shared about his life before you, his background, as well as reading about your past depression and behavior and my experience with life,  leads me to think that there will continue to be challenges, good times and difficult, distressing times.

If you thought before that the relationship was perfect, it is because you didn’t know before the challenges that are there to confront. At times it felt perfectly good, but the problems were there and will have to be faced for a long time after this peculiar break is over.His troubles will come up again, and so will yours. Key is to work through the problems together as a team of two and not to withdraw like he did.

“he couldn’t see himself stuck like this being incompetent and us arguing”- one thing to learn from this experience is to never argue again. Most people think it is impossible, but from personal experience I know it is possible and way, way preferable. It was, really wise of him to not “see himself stuck like this”, arguing. So talk, don’t argue, no aggression in the relationship of any kind at all.

“for the last 2 months things have gotten better and we are in a much better place that we were before even before the break… I am a lot happier and so is he”- excellent. You sure did the best possible to do during this time to make it better than it was before!

anita