Dear anita,

thank you for always replying to me.

Hopefully I can work out the issues from my past with my new therapist. We recently talked about my past experiences and when I was a child, I used to fight back and yell at my parents or defend myself, but at some point I stopped.

I don’t know if I believe that me hit me because I was bad? In the past I felt very angry towards him, I even felt that I hated him. I didn’t want to have anything to do with my parents and didn’t want to trust them or tell them personal things.

Now I feel like I have disappointed them. Not only do I not follow their religion, I also have huge issues with getting my life together. I feel bad for still being financially dependent on them.

With that new person, I wonder if I was abusive. Everything happened too fast, I was very worried all the time, but I went along with his rhythm. Usually I avoid meeting new people, but I liked him so much, that I wanted to give it a try. He was respectful, never did anything without me agreeing to it. I admired his kindness and talent and liked how he treated me. But I had problems expressing this to him and I let him lead.

I ended up sleeping with him after only knowing him for a few days. A few days later I got lip Herpes (I already occasionally had herpes in the past) and I told him about it. But we made a mistake by sleeping together again on another day, without kissing. He had told me that he had also had had herpes in the past, so I was calmed down, but it was still a mistake.

Then he told me that he was feeling sick, but one day later he said that he was feeling better. It seemed like he didn’t really want to talk about what his health problem was. Yesterday I wrote him again and asked him directly if I had infected him and if we could talk about it or if I could do anything for him. And he responded that he is fine and that I don’t have to worry. And that he is out with friends and that we could talk on the phone the next day. But today I don’t know if I should call him. He didn’t write back and maybe he just wants to be left alone.

Maybe it also seems like I’m exaggerating? But I don’t want to infect anybody… I worry a lot and I hope he is okay.

I think this is a mess again. I should really stay away from other human beings…. I didn’t take my own advice and take it slow. It seeams I’m definately not ready for a relationship… Maybe I should focus on myself for another while