Dear anita,

he now sent me a message, that he got home late yesterday, so he couldn’t respond. Maybe I overreacted. Often I worry too much and it has happened before that I got completely self-conscious over a comment, that was meant for somebody else.

But it also seemed weird to me that he didn’t take my phone call and didn’t call back or anything after that. It was only two days. I guess I’m just too insecure?

I responded to his message by asking him if he wants to go for a walk sometime and if we go, I want to suggest to take it a little slower. To rather cook something together, go swimming or watch a movie or do something else he might suggest.

It is possible that I was sometimes punished unjustly as a child. Even my mother used to say that my sister was my father’s favourite.

My main problem with my parents was religion. They are very religious, my father is a pastor. So of course, as the pastor’s child you had to go to church and be a good example. But I started to doubt religion very early.

Plus, my parents grew up in the German Democratic Republic. For religious reasons, they didn’t want to join the Free German Youth. That meant that they couldn’t pursue a higher education. Life wasn’t always easy for them and I admire them for their strength to stay true to their beliefs.

Still, you cannot believe in something just to please others.

We had a lot of conflicts because of this. My parents told me that, as this is my fathers job, I need to play along. When I didn’t want to be confirmed, they pressured me to do it until I gave in. I also wasn’t allowed to choose ethics class in school instead of religious studies (Pupils of a certain age were allowed to choose for themselves). Things like that.

My parents were also quite close minded. I remember my father showing me a book about Hinduism (or some other religion) telling me that this belonged into the “closet of poison” (I don’t know how to translate that properly…). They were outspokenly against horoscopes or new age things.

This close mindedness turned me off so badly and I wanted to be nothing like that. I always enjoyed learning about different cultures and other ways of thinking. Later I studied Cultural Anthroplogy (Ethnology).

They also forbade me to watch certain movies. I liked horror movies and for example the TV series “Buffy”. But I watched them anyways, in secret. My cousin recorded them for me.

I stopped asking my parents for permission for certain things. For example I just dyed my hair or went out late at night (though this didn’t happen frequently as I’m not a party – person anyways).

The nature of my parents attacks: they guilt – tripped me I guess? When I didn’t like to eat a certain food, my mother used to say “think of the poor children in Africa”. Or when my siblings fought she said “there is war everywhere in the word, we don’t need war at home”. Or of course that, if a pastor’s daughter doesn’t go to church frequently, “What will the people say?”

And their attacks included verbal and physical attacks.

And I fought back in secret, by doing forbidden things. But I also verbally told them what I didn’t want to do, or even that I hated them. Or later, if they hit me, I hit them back…

Anita, thank you for always responding. You even read through old posts! You take so much time and effort to help others, it is so inspiring! I hope you take good care of yourself. THANK YOU!