Hey Brandy (and Prash),

Thanks again for your reply and words of support.

I have previously tried to talk to my daughter in the way you describe. She can be very closed when trying to talk in that way and through talking I have eventually ascertained that her biggest issue right now, today, isnt that she doesnt want to spend time together or be with her Dad, but that our time together (because of distance) is alawys planned and almost by appointment. She wants the spontaneity and comfort of knowing Im ‘just around the corner’ when she needs me so she can drop in and hang out. In short, its what Ive always known she’s needed- to know I’m there. And why not- like I said, its her right to expect that from her Dad. My interpretation of that is that she would settle for that as an acceptable option to living under the same roof (with her mum) and see it as a big improvement in her life. Linked very strongly to that is the feeling she has when she comes to stay with me and my partner and how she feels like an outsider and seeing me with her and her young child for her is like visiting me with my ‘family’. Again, that is heartbreaking for me (and her) and massively compounds the guilt I spoke of as I continue to put her in this place whilst I take no action.

But I guess at the end of it all, I’m still left with a choice to make. And yes, you are right again. The pain part is to walk away from my current partner because as I see it, I have to choose between one or the other. I cant have both and be emotionally and spiritually free. I have three years of my daughter being around if I move back to my ‘old life’. My fear is that in that choice and having made the move, I will regret leaving my current life and partner and all that is good about it and once the choice is made- that will be it. I know three years is a short time and after the three years I’ll be back to where I was when I first divorced- starting over again but this time there’ll be no children around- just one daughter who is six years older than she was. But in my mind, I will have done all I could have done for her, our relationship and, selfishly, my future will be absent of the ‘what if’ guilt. I may suffer in a different way, but I imagine the ‘what if’ to be the most painful as the choice will be gone forever then and like I said, I know myself well enough to know what happens in that scenario. I have already massively withdrawn in my current relationship- to both her and her child as I live in this no mans land state. I have transformed from a loving, generous, happy and giving lover into a very obvious alternative to that and it hasnt gone un-noticed. It cant go on and the pressure Im feeling is growing by the day and I’m afraid of losing control of the situation and then the choices being made for me. I feel like Im hiding and being secretive by keeping the thoughts internal- we have spoken in depth about how I feel about my daughter and the situation and it always ends in me getting upset with myself as I cant break the cycle of asking ‘why’ I did what I did and ‘who the hell does that?’. This week I go to a parents meeting at my daughters school and Im also meeting my former employer who has a potential opening for me. If that comes to fruition- I have a real choice to make and the pressure to do so because of the lack of work opportunity back where I came from, is really on then. Simply put, I throw my life away where I am now and return to the point I was six years ago- right back at the first wrong turning I made and see what happens by turning in the other direction this time, albeit with more wisdom and mistakes under my belt. Or stay where I am and deal with/ cope with everything Ive written so far and make it all go away.

It feels like the volcano is about to erupt! Like the issues of the past six years, all the ‘what ifs’ Ive dwelled upon and regretted, all the ‘Id be happy if’ scenarios are actually a possibility now and that essentially in a week’s time, the volcano is going to blow and thats it- choice made, consequences clear and it’ll be a case of moving on and then finding out if I made the right choice.

My fear is making the wrong choice. My fear is not knowing that everything will be ok. I know ultimately that fear is just that- its the not knowing that the outcome of the choice or action we take is that we will just be ok (or better off). If we stood on the top of a mountain and knew that if we jumped, we’d land safely and we’d be ok- we’d never be fearful, right. Thats what this is I guess, I just need to know that the choice I make will be ok and the pain I have caused myself and others will end as quickly as possible.

The few people I have talked to have all said the same thing: that I shouldnt do it because she’ll be moving away in three years and even the three years will be different as she grows more and wants her independence rather than hanging out with Dad. My partner has tried to offer scenarios where I spend more quality time with her but they dont get it- they dont live this horrible place I live where I caused this situation. They look at this from the outside- from a place where they have had their time with the normality of living with their children for the full course or, as in my partners case, where they openly admit they would never do what I did.

Listen, I know Im a good Dad and a loving person. And yes Prash- youre right, I have to stop talking to myself in the way I do. Im aware enough to know that is just self pity and its keeping me in the dark roots. But its my reality. Its my world and has been so for a long time such that I’ve adjusted and gotten used to it. Ive been coping, making do, building defence mechanisms which stop me having to take action. Even these messages are doing that- I know that a little part of me is hanging on to these threads as a means of not taking action- just in case the next message might give me the answer or make me feel better. The place I need to get to now is to action. I need to make a choice, a decision and then act. This place is just not living.

Brandy, what you said about humans striving to get their unmet needs met was beautiful. It is so true and almost forgives a whole multitude of sins. I listened to something last night on the way home and this simple quote stuck with me ‘If I’d have known better, I’d have done better’. I guess today, I know better so I if I dont do better- then shame on me.

I really do appreciate all you have said to me and for me. Your comments and observations are so astute and accurate and I feel like Im talking to a professional. Youve given me so much perspective and comfort and who would have ever thought that would have been found at the end of a keyboard, in a different time zone, across the Atlantic! What an amzaing place this planet is and what an amazing ride this thing called life is!

N