Dear Naia:

I re-read your posts. I think that the main challenge you have is that you are trying to  “respect others’ feelings, to be polite and kind”, not as much because you genuinely respect others’ feelings but more so because you are “afraid that (others) will react badly or take revenge” if you don’t. In other words, you are kind to others because you fear them.

You felt angry with your friend but you feared her, so you tried to hurt her in a way that she will not be able to trace it to you, and that is what you did with the email you sent to the company she applied to.

You wrote: “I didn’t have the courage to tell her abruptly that I didn’t want to be her friend anymore.. a part of me is afraid that she will react badly or take revenge… I can’t remain friend with people just because I am afraid of their reaction if I leave”.

Because of your fear of others, you can’t be honest with them when you experience anger at them or some conflict. You force yourself “to be polite and kind” so to prevent their revenge. You probably pretend that you like people whom you don’t like because you “feel like disliking someone is mean”.

You wrote about your mother: “she put me in my place with words and sometimes it was physical (I got spanked, or smacked) but I don’t think that was excessive”-

I think her words and smacking were effective enough to instill fear in you, fear of people’s reactions to the smallest perceived offenses, such as if they find out you disagree with them on any one topic. So you hide your feelings, your anger, act polite.

But angry inside you take revenge, such as in the case of sending that email to the company. Interesting, how it is you who is taking the revenge you are afraid others will take against you.

What do you think/feel?

anita