Thanks for your replies.

@anita & Elli:

No, I don’t feel powerful when I hurt people. Moreover, I feel sad and didn’t understand why some people walked away. Now I do know why. Nor do I feel entertainment by sharing this story. And pleasure and excitement either. I always thought of myself to be considerate and kind, not the image that I have now of myself.

Yes, this man knew that I’m married. You are right. My husband is here the victim of my behaviour. When I realised this pattern, my husband and I talked about my behaviour and I apologised to him. Now, I take responsibility for my actions. The persons that I have hurt in the past, don’t want to talk with me anymore. Which I fully understand now. The ones who do talk with me, I told them that I’m sorry.

@Veronica:

Thanks for your kind words. I’m hurting myself with this behaviour.

My parents are loving and they support me. However, there was / is always a pressure not to fail. I understand that parents want the best for their childern, but I felt that it was never enough. There is also a pattern that my mother shows: it’s never enough. She always has comments towards my father about random things (groceries etc). I don’t blame anyone for my behaviour, I’m trying to figure it out where it comes from.

When I was young, I almost died of a brain infection. I was parallysed all over but I understood what was happening in the room. I had a locked-in syndrome, and that was frustrating. I had to learn to swallow again, to speak, to walk,… I took an enormous amount of energy to getting better and having a normal life. That is a trauma and sometimes I think about that episode of my life with pain.

In the past, I had a burn-out and a depression and I needed some help and I found a therapist.  Since I just found out about my behaviour, we didn’t talk about it because I simlpy didn’t know. Now we will talk about it.

PS: sorry that I make some mistakes, English is not my mother tongue.

riris