Dear Janus, Earth Angel:

You are welcome and thank you for your kind words. As to the part  of your recent post before the questions you asked me, it all reads reasonable, sensible and wise to me. I am positively impressed by your strong logic (not surprising, knowing your strong scientific inclination and interest) and maturity.

I want to repeat to you the following: it is very important that somehow you give up completely any hope and expectation that your parents will see you or hear you and listen to what you think and how you feel, what you value and so forth. They can only see and hear themselves. Their criticisms of you were never about you but about them. In other words, they are blind to you and it is not within your power to make them see you. I am sorry about that, I really am. I wish it wasn’t so, but it is and it is necessary for your mental health to give up on the quest of being seen, heard and approved of by them.

Seek to be seen and heard and approved of elsewhere, be it here on your thread, being seen and heard and approved of by me. It is amazing, isn’t it, that a person you never met in person, who has been communicating with you for a much shorter time than your parents have been in your life, that I see you, I hear you.. and I do approve of you. So better seek those things here than seek it from your parents. It is a lost cause. But you, Janus, you are not a lost cause.

As to the part with your questions, not in order: “How can I be certain that what I believe in is not what others influenced me to believe?” stick to the scientific method, state the belief and test it through observations and experimentations, then reject or accept, and restate if a correction will make it true to you. You are welcome to do it right here on your thread, if you would like my input.

“How do I break myself out of a negative habit?”- the hard way, because there is only one way and it is the hard way, through gently resisting the habit and practicing a new behavior, a new thinking and behavior that over time will become a new habit. I didn’t understand the question regarding your parents: “I wish there was a way to be myself and not incur the shame of my parents”- I don’t think there is a way, is my point from before. And again, there is no way to make them see you or hear you and approve of you, it is a lost cause.

“Should I forgive a person who seeks forgiveness for hurting me?.. the guy who sexually assaulted me in middle school.. wants forgiveness and I feel like I’m not ready to trust him or let it go yet. I still need time to heal… seeing him again brought back memories… Even if I do forgive him, is it possible to truly let the pain go… Would the pain become buried deeper if I didn’t forgive and release it?”-

Emotions have their own timing and own logic and none of our emotions operate in isolation. And so, it doesn’t work so easily as..  if I express forgiveness then my hurt and anger will be released, problem solved.. Do  not forgive him because you are not ready to do so, you stated it yourself. It is unjust that in addition to having been assaulted, you would now feel bad for not forgiving to the one who assaulted you, as if you are the bad person. You don’t owe him to forgive him, not now, not later. If he demands forgiveness, then he did not yet take responsibility for doing wrong to you. If his regret is sincere, then he must understand that forgiving him is a privilege, not a right,  a gift, not something he deserves. You can tell him that you are not ready to forgive him at this time and that you are not available to consider such at this time.

“What are good ways to keep track of your goals?”- first state the goals, those that are most important. Don’t bother by unworthy goals such as forgiving your parents who didn’t ask for your forgiveness. And don’t bother with what others want you to do, such things as this guy wanting you to forgive him. Focus on what you need for your own well being, which is to proceed to the four year university, live in the dorm, away from your parents, build a career and your ability to make a monthly income so to live independently.

anita