I am the only child of my parent shy,introvert and very sensitive in nature. I was stuck in a dead end job which sucked life out of me when I met her. It was 19th May 2017 when I connected to her on an online anonymous chat platform. We had a good conversation ,numbers were exchanged and we moved on to whatsapp.

We used to chat whenever we got free time.For me she was a  good friend and being 5 years younger to me I always had brotherly feelings towards her. Same year she joined college and opted International relations and Political science which was my interest area.Like any elder brother I used to take interest in her studies and tried to helped her whenever she needed any. I used to also share all my fears ,job frustration and future with her. But she never opened up to me .She never shared most of her problems ,her future goals or anything.Whenever I used to ask about it and she used to say that she didnt like talking about her problems with anyone. She used to put herself down and consider herself to be less beautiful and capable when it was not clearly the case.I tried my best to make her feel better most of the time failing to do so. Also she used to never initiate conversation until I msgd her.Once I bought new laptop with my own salary and I shared it pics with everyone as I was excited about it. Everyone msgd except her when I showed how much it made me sad she said that she doesnt like texting much.Same thing happened once I was sick and she didnt msg me whole day. We had many arguments but always we (or maybe I ) chose to stick along. But at the same time we had so many good conversations and we listened to each other.

She had a crush on a guy from her college and I wished that they get together as I thought that she needs someone to be there and make her feel happy .She always complained that she did not have good friends. Fast forward 1 year and I quit my job to prepare for masters from my field of interest. We are still talking and meanwhile in August this year she and her crush became friends. I was struggling with uncertainty and health issues in my family which greatly disturbed me.I desperately needed her to be with me.She never asked me how was I doing but always talked about her crush with me.How she miss him and he doesnt reply to her messages. That affected me alot I started feeling jealous and unimportant in her life.She never initiated any conversation with me but here she is messaging him and getting anxious to talk to him. I didnt want her to treat me equal to him but atleast I deserved some of her time. She used to talk about him and she also admitted that she was not treating me right. I wanted her genuine care even if she talked just for 40 mins in 24 hours but I found that missing. We fought over it and I tried to break off failing everytime. Once she even admitted that she is becoming obsessed about him and ignoring everyone even her younger brother whom she loves very much. Sometime she used to msg me talk about her crush and just leave chat without even asking about me. Her crush is in England now .She says that he brags about how good looking he is and girls are drooling over him. This made my friend insecure and she cried in bathroom .She thinks that she is worthless .ugly and deserve to die. I tried to explain it to her that its not the case but what her crush think is the only things that matter. Other people who care about her means nothing to her. I said some harsh things which I shouldnt have  like she is treating me as second fiddle. But what angered me is that she is ruining everything just for a crush.

I am not saying I am saint ofcourse I was jealous to see her so much attracted towards her crush and eagerness to talk to him. She never showed that much interest in talking to me or knowing about me. I should have been strong and left without drama but I proved to be weak and clingy guy and I am not proud of it. Yesterday I said that she should block me if only person who matters in your life is your crush and what he thinks about you.And today she blocked me and I am feeling so heavy. I still care about her and loath myself for not being able to be a friend who stood by her unconditionally expecting nothing.I hope she and her crush work out things as I know only he can do what I was not able to do in 1 year i.e make her realize that she is as good as anyone. She said that I will be happy if her crush treats her badly but thats not the case. I did not consider his crush competitor since for me she was my younger sis and best friend.But truly speaking I am ashamed of myself that I acted like a selfish,insecure wimp and I hope I suffer enough for  hurting her. I was just looking for genuine care and lack of it made me bitter. I will try to be a better person in future and I hope she gets whatever she desires and set her eyes on. As for me I have lot of growing up to do.

I will be highly grateful if anyone can share how can I be a better person if such situation repeats itself. How one can care about other person unconditionally without being demanding and bitter?Also to what degree I was at fault and I know that will be hard to tell since I am telling you my side of story.I want your honest opinion and criticism.

Sorry for grammatical errors and below average English.