Home→Forums→Relationships→Is it time to let go?
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Anonymous.
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October 14, 2018 at 2:22 pm #230947
AdriParticipantI will try to make this as brief as possible. My now ex and I were dating for a year and four months. We fell passionately in love the first few months of our relationship. He was amazing. Slowly it began to change and the relationship became controlling. He’s a bit of a hot head with a passionate/aggressive personality. He became agitated at very irrational things I would do. I slowly secluded myself from my friends and felt like I was walking on eggshells. We never went more than a month without getting into a fight and breaking up (he would usually break up with me in a dramatic, horrible way). The fights became worse and swearing/name calling/personal attacks/generalizations were a norm from his end. Despite all of this, I was in love and we worked it out everytime because it’s just what we did. He was always head over heels over me and put me first in his life. He would travel far distances when I was away at university just to see more for a few hours. There was some good. He promised to change each time, he made little improvements but there was still some verbal abuse during fights. Fast forward a year later, we had a drunken fight and he hit me. I forgave him. The controlling behavior stopped and I wasn’t walking on eggshells anymore. I began hanging out with my friends again. About three months later, we got into another drunken fight and he stated he did not regret hitting me, told me to kill myself, and a lot of other awful things. The fight brought out the worst in me and I told him I wish I had never met him and that I would report his abuse to the police, and scratched his arm. The following day, he apologized. I did not have any contact with him for a week despite his constant efforts to make amends and apologize for everything. I felt horrified by all that he’d said to me and maybe fell a bit out of love. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and went back. Everything was fine and I noticed a big change in his personality. He was doing everything to try to prove that he would never hurt me again and that he was truly sorry for all of the things that occurred in our relationship. I really don’t think he would ever talk to me or put his hands on me ever again. We tried to work things out but I didn’t feel those butterflies I once felt. Intimacy was not of interest to me either. I became irritated with him just talking about his day. He kept telling me I was being cold and I wasn’t the same “me.” We decided to separate, but now he is saying he doesn’t feel the break up is the correct choice, that although he understands I’m hurt, I need to try to really move past this, put more of an effort in trying to make it work if we ever want to move on instead of having this wall built up around me. I think our relationship may be beyond repair. From my point of view, he crossed a line and things will always be different (I’m more upset about him saying he was glad he hit me). But he says I am just holding back, that if I forgive it will get better. I feel like I will never find anyone who loves me as deeply as he does. His family has been calling me and saying that they know we love each other and that if we seek help, we can move on. He is deeply upset about the breakup.
October 14, 2018 at 7:45 pm #231003
JanParticipant- I would love to reply through here but there’s just so many factors that affect your situation that could help make your final decision. They say it takes about 3 years to really get to know someone and you’ve been with him for a year and some months but how long have you known him for? Was his behavior before ever a red flag to you? Do you know enough about his past to try to understand the conflicted persona he grew up as? As to him hitting you, there’s no reason for him to ever touch you that way. If you want him back he has to prove to you, your love’s worth and treat you like the queen you are. You’re not with him to suffer, youre with him to be happy. I’d love to talk to you cause something similar happened to me. Idk how to directly contact you through here but if you reply, I’ll leave my email to talk. I hope youre doing well ?
October 15, 2018 at 3:46 am #231047AdriParticipantHe has been an acquaintance for about 3 years. He often exhibits red flag behavior, but it’s not just with me. He also exhibits the behavior that with his friends and family. His father passed away when he was young, so I’m assuming that has had a large impact on his development. I would love to speak to you, thank you for reaching out.
October 15, 2018 at 5:03 am #231059
AnonymousGuestDear Adri:
“We tried to work things out but I didn’t feel those butterflies”- his aggressive behavior toward you, his abuse of you, again and again, scared away those butterflies.
“Intimacy was not of interest to me either. I became irritated with him just talking about his day”- anger (irritation) is congruent with aggression and abuse; intimacy is not. In other words, when someone hurts us badly, and repeatedly, we get angry, not affectionate.
“He kept telling me I was being cold and I wasn’t the same”- no wonder you weren’t the same. Were you not supposed to react to aggression and abuse? I hope he will soon take responsibility for his words and actions, that he understands there are natural consequences to those.
It is not a fault of yours that you naturally reacted to his aggression by losing the butterflies and intimacy, as well as getting angry at him; it is his fault for having been aggressive towards you.
“His family has been calling me and saying that they know we love each other and that if we seek help, we can move on”. I think his family should call a psychotherapist for family therapy and seek help for the aggression (his and theirs) that has been a part of their family life long before you came into the picture.
anita
October 15, 2018 at 6:23 am #231081AdriParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for your response. Despite feeling this way while I was with him, I’m confused on why now I kind of miss him or whether I am making a mistake by letting go of someone who is trying so hard to be with me and improve themselves. I’m afraid I will never find someone who would fight so hard just to be with me. I think he does understand that it is a natural consequence for me to feel this way, but did not expect it to affect me to this extent or this long, especially because in the past we only went a day or two before we made up and things were “back to normal.” I feel like I’m the bad guy in the situation because it is being made out to be “if you loved him, you would fight to work it out.” But I don’t even know what loving someone is anymore. I feel very broken, confused, and lost….. and he has always been the one to comfort me.
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This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by
Adri.
October 15, 2018 at 7:17 am #231093AnonymousGuestDear Adri:
You are welcome.
“I’m afraid I will never find someone who would fight so hard just to be with me”- I hope you will indeed never find someone who will fight so hard against you (and then proceed to fight for you). Aggression is a fighting against a person. It is an unhealthy person and relationship when a person alternates between passionate fight against and then passionate fight for.
“I’m confused on why now I kind of miss him”- you are still emotionally attached to him. It is natural to become emotionally attached to another (we are social animals!) even after not having those butterflies.
You worry “whether I am making a mistake by letting go of someone who is trying so hard to be with me and improve himself”- my suggestion that he works hard to improve himself before resuming a relationship with you, not during a relationship. After six months perhaps of him attending therapy (anger management can be part of it), then he can invite you to his therapist for a few sessions to determine whether you are safe to return to a relationship with you.
Do you think he will work that hard for you, to attend therapy for six months before getting back together?
anita
October 15, 2018 at 7:32 am #231099AdriParticipantHi Anita,
I don’t know if he would be open to the idea of therapy. I think he would rather seek some type of spiritual guidance from a priest or something of that nature.
I will be frank – although this may not make sense…I don’t know if I’m in love or if I’m attached. When I’m with him I sometimes don’t like the things he says or his perspective on things, he can be very irrational and its a turn off. When I think of past things he has said, I get sick to my stomach, but I know its not fair to dwell on the past as I’ve made mistakes too. I’m not sure if that’s part of the “you’re not supposed to love everything about your partner.” He has made changes since the traumatic fights, but I don’t know if those changes are temporary. When things are good he treats me pretty well, he puts me first in his life and literally does everything to make me smile. I need to figure out how I am feeling and I don’t know how to.
I also don’t know if I should not have ANY contact whatsoever while we have our space/break up–whatever this is, or whether we should just have a brief contact like “have a good day” to help us get through the day. We both deal with anxiety and I don’t want him to drive himself crazy because I do think he is taking this much harder than I am.
October 15, 2018 at 7:46 am #231103AnonymousGuestDear Adri:
“I know it’s not fair to dwell on the past as I’ve made mistakes too”. It wouldn’t be fair of you to dwell on his past mistakes if he did the work that needs to be done to not repeat those mistakes. But he hasn’t done the work. Sure, everyone makes mistakes, but his aggression has nothing to do with your mistakes, it existed before he met you and he needs to resolve this before he is in a relationship.
You wrote regarding the work I suggested that he does: “I don’t know if he would be open to the idea of therapy. I think he would rather seek some type of spiritual guidance from a priest or something of that nature”.
Do you believe he needs psychotherapy or do you believe that a meeting or two with a priest who will give him advice is enough “work” for him to do?
anita
October 15, 2018 at 7:56 am #231107AdriParticipantHi Anita,
I don’t know if it would be enough, I’m guessing for a long-term change, it won’t. Thank you for all of your advice, I just feel like I am going crazy with my thoughts and anxiety (other major stresses in my life are contributing to that). I don’t feel comfortable going to my friends anymore because they don’t particularly like him and I think they are tired of giving me advice. I just feel very alone and confused about everything.
October 15, 2018 at 7:59 am #231109AdriParticipantI am struggling to avoid reaching out to him to fill that void, although it may be counter-productive.
October 15, 2018 at 8:25 am #231117AnonymousGuestDear Adri:
Your current anxiety and void cannot be resolved or filled easily or soon. If you went back to him, you’d still be anxious and the void will still be there soon enough. He is not the solution. The solution is for you to attend to your current life circumstances, make them better. Focus on your day, the here-and-now, what you need to do next, then do it. Be patient because it will take some time before you feel better on an ongoing basis.
I recommend that you leave this relationship in the past, advise him to go to therapy for his issues, and if you can, attend therapy or counseling yourself, for your anxiety. In summary: “Is it time to let go?”- yes, it is time to let go of him and that relationship. Hold on to your present reality, what you have to deal with, make better.
If you would like to share about those other major stresses in your life, please do.
anita
October 15, 2018 at 8:45 am #231129AdriParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for your encouragement, it really does mean a lot. Today is actually my first day of online therapy because I have found myself so consumed in unhappiness that I want to move on from.
The other major life stress is affecting my career/identity. I committed a crime involving fraud with my employer when I was 19 that reflects very adversely on my integrity. I hated myself for so long and was consumed with guilt, disgust, and shame. I went through such a difficult time moving on from that and attempting to forgive myself for such a horrible thing I did. That was the first and last time I had ever done ANYTHING like that. My friends/family/ex have no idea what happened, nor do I ever want to tell them about it.
I’m currently working at a very prestigious law firm because I did very well in school, but I am awaiting approval for what is essentially the equivalent of a background check in getting your legal license through the state. I have of course fully disclosed everything. They requested follow up information and I was fully compliant. The problem is – it will likely cause a delay in receiving my license. I wanted to avoid disclosing my previous crime to my current employer ( I was never asked the question when I was hired and if they perform a background check, my record was expunged so it does not show up on ordinary background checks). I am extremely fearful that I will lose my job. Then I will have to explain to everyone why I lost my job. In the event that I do not lose my job, there will be a significant delay and I will need to provide some explanation to the lawyers who will continuously ask whether I have been sworn in yet. I’m so nervous about telling my employer about this and how it will be dealt with.
Furthermore, I will need to provide an explanation to my friends and family for a delay. There is no way I can ever reveal to anyone what I did. I do not come from a very accepting/open family or community. All of my past guilt and regret is coming back and consuming me. It is only human nature to judge someone for something involving basically theft. I’m so embarrassed for the decisions I’ve made.
I’ve been struggling with all of these things and just find myself at a very low point in my life.
October 15, 2018 at 9:32 am #231147AnonymousGuestDear Adri:
You are welcome. To close the relationship issue for now, the mistake you made regarding the fraud does not mean you deserve aggression or abuse from your ex boyfriend (or from anyone)!
Too bad the fraud happened, but it happened and there is no way to go back into the past and undo it. If I could go back into my past, I would undo so many, many things. This really is part of the human condition: we do things we regret and cannot undo them. When you do disclose a mistake like this to a reasonable person, showing them that you have done all you can to correct it, a reasonable person will feel empathy for you as he/ she will feel better about their own mistakes, own misdeeds that cannot be undone
You wrote that your family and community is not reasonable this way, so I understand you not wanting to tell them. Maybe you shouldn’t be in much contact with those who were never accepting of you (way before the fraud).
I think that living in shame your whole life, or even today (!) for a mistake you did when you were not twenty yet, a mistake you regret and which you did all you could to correct, that would be a bigger mistake than the original mistake.
Because the crime was expunged (because you were still a teenager then, I assume), and because your current employers did not ask, I don’t think you were ethically required then or now to tell your them about it. Regarding your law license, I do hope you will receive that license, a bit later, but soon enough.
anita
October 15, 2018 at 10:40 am #231169AdriParticipantThank you, Anita. I wish you well.
October 15, 2018 at 10:53 am #231177AnonymousGuestYou are welcome and thank you for wishing me well. Post again anytime you’d like to post and I will be glad to reply.
anita
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