Hi Anita,

Thank you for your encouragement, it really does mean a lot. Today is actually my first day of online therapy because I have found myself so consumed in unhappiness that I want to move on from.

The other major life stress is affecting my career/identity. I committed a crime involving fraud with my employer when I was 19 that reflects very adversely on my integrity. I hated myself for so long and was consumed with guilt, disgust, and shame. I went through such a difficult time moving on from that and attempting to forgive myself for such a horrible thing I did. That was the first and last time I had ever done ANYTHING like that. My friends/family/ex have no idea what happened, nor do I ever want to tell them about it.

I’m currently working at a very prestigious law firm because I did very well in school, but I am awaiting approval for what is essentially the equivalent of a background check in getting your legal license through the state. I have of course fully disclosed everything. They requested follow up information and I was fully compliant. The problem is – it will likely cause a delay in receiving my license. I wanted to avoid disclosing my previous crime to my current employer ( I was never asked the question when I was hired and if they perform a background check, my record was expunged so it does not show up on ordinary background checks). I am extremely fearful that I will lose my job. Then I will have to explain to everyone why I lost my job. In the event that I do not lose my job, there will be a significant delay and I will need to provide some explanation to the lawyers who will continuously ask whether I have been sworn in yet. I’m so nervous about telling my employer about this and how it will be dealt with.

Furthermore, I will need to provide an explanation to my friends and family for a delay. There is no way I can ever reveal to anyone what I did. I do not come from a very accepting/open family or community. All of my past guilt and regret is coming back and consuming me. It is only human nature to judge someone for something involving basically theft. I’m so embarrassed for the decisions I’ve made.

I’ve been struggling with all of these things and just find myself at a very low point in my life.

Hi Anita,

I don’t know if it would be enough, I’m guessing for a long-term change, it won’t. Thank you for all of your advice, I just feel like I am going crazy with my thoughts and anxiety (other major stresses in my life are contributing to that). I don’t feel comfortable going to my friends anymore because they don’t particularly like him and I think they are tired of giving me advice. I just feel very alone and confused about everything.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your response. Despite feeling this way while I was with him, I’m confused on why now I kind of miss him or whether I am making a mistake by letting go of someone who is trying so hard to be with me and improve themselves. I’m afraid I will never find someone who would fight so hard just to be with me. I think he does understand that it is a natural consequence for me to feel this way, but did not expect it to affect me to this extent or this long, especially because in the past we only went a day or two before we made up and things were “back to normal.” I feel like I’m the bad guy in the situation because it is being made out to be “if you loved him, you would fight to work it out.” But I don’t even know what loving someone is anymore. I feel very broken, confused, and lost….. and he has always been the one to comfort me.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Adri.