Home→Forums→Tough Times→Suddenly Questioning….
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October 16, 2018 at 7:02 pm #231393
ShadisaParticipantFirst a little background….
This has been a rather amazing year for me all around. I got a better job that has lead me to go back to school at the age of 35. I have spent the better part of a year doing everything I can to be a better version of me. Both physically and emotionally. From silly things getting out of debt to going back to school. I have joked that I have become boring but I don’t care because I am having too much fun.
One of the bigger parts being better me was I spent hours….this summer talking to a friend. Trying to work myself passed the guy that has for way too long (way longer than I will ever admit) been able to mess me up for days with the mention of his name. I have always considered myself straight. I have had a couple relationships over the years…all with men. With varying levels of success…and as much as I am not proud of it….the guy that I finally got passed this summer was my biggest what-if.
Getting passed that ‘block’ in my head of my what-if was amazingly freeing like a weight that had been there far too long had been lifted. Suddenly in the last couple days I am wondering if I was using that what-if as a shield. Since moving passed things….I have been left questioning…not feeling like myself at all. Who knows maybe I am feeling completely myself for the first time in years. I have no idea I have been using my shield for so long…
If the sudden rush of feeling was because of someone specific it might be easier to sort out…but instead suddenly I am questioning if all he was all my relationships were shields while I didn’t deal with real feelings about the girls…then women around me.
All I know is I feel hurt, and isolated and don’t know where to turn. I am 35 and with the heartbreaks in my past I left feeling like I don’t want to hurt someone while I ‘figure things out’….only leading to more feelings of isolation.
October 17, 2018 at 6:58 am #231493
AnonymousGuestDear Shadisa:
If I understand correctly, you recently started questioning your heterosexuality. What I don’t understand is what you mean by “the guy that I finally got passed this summer was my biggest what-if”- how is he related to you questioning your sexual preference?
I also don’t understand you wondering “if I was using that what-if as a shield”- a shield or protection against what?
anita
October 17, 2018 at 11:51 am #231565ShadisaParticipantPart my my questioning has lead me to the thought was I using him or any other guy for that matter to avoid addressing the issue in my own mind…..
I swear one half of my brain is going if you accepted this just imagine how happy you could be…
And the other side is going….oh how can you be so sure? I mean that you started question how can you be sure about anything? Oh and my favorites….you know this would not matter to anyone….why are you making this such a life altering deal? And if this really is part of who you are fine…why did you notice this at like or 15 or 20?I mean I left wondering things have I been sabotaging since I was in high school because it never dawned on me…that I didn’t want guy at all I wanted to be around his sister.
October 17, 2018 at 12:03 pm #231579AnonymousGuestDear Shadisa:
I need to be away from the computer for the next sixteen hours. Before I am back, can you tell me regarding you re-considering your sexual orientation, as I understand it: are you or have you been sexually/ physically attracted to women, ever daydreamed about a love relationship with a woman?
What evidence about you and your life suggests to you that you may not be heterosexual/ straight?
I hope other members reply to you before I am back.
anita
October 17, 2018 at 1:04 pm #231597ShadisaParticipantOh you mean besides the fact that I am currently scared out of my mind to go to workout in a hour because my personal trainer is um….not even finishing that thought because I know she is straight and that would only lead to heartache.
Or the fact that one of the ways I let off stress is to free write….stories that will never be seen by anyone….and the last couple have been well….they could be called daydreams.Or things that I have noticed after the last couple days that just seem silly like suddenly seeing characters differently….sorry still don’t like Wonder Woman…I want my whoever to be able to outsmart a popsicle stick.
October 18, 2018 at 10:46 am #231715AnonymousGuestDear Shadisa:
I heard of people coming out as gay later in life, so it is possible for you too. I know a man who came out as a gay man in his forties, following decades of marriage to his wife. But he knew that he was physically attracted to men since his early teens. I know of a woman who was married to a man, then figured out in her late thirties that she preferred women and has been married to her current wife for years.
anita
October 18, 2018 at 12:55 pm #231737ShadisaParticipantOne of the things that I keep getting down on myself for….that is probably never gonna have a good answer for….just accept it and move passed kind of thing is I keep questioning what took you so long to see this….?
The self accusations of “how could you have been so foolish?” seem more painful then whatever truth is there and they almost seem like they are preventing me from processing things.
October 18, 2018 at 1:20 pm #231739AnonymousGuestDear Shadisa:
But we are all foolish at one time or another. I think everyone is foolish right now about this topic or that, myself included, of course. We all get wiser if we learn, when we learn. Who hasn’t asked himself/ herself: “what took (me) so long to see this…?”
I will be away from the computer for the next fifteen hours or so. If you would like to elaborate on those self accusations you mentioned, or add anything at all before I return, please do.
anita
October 19, 2018 at 12:19 pm #231995ShadisaParticipantI am not sure if the self accusations are gone but for sure a better day…..
So today I am talking to a friend and I compared that guy that I was hung up on for far too long….to a turnip and basically said to friend with all I went through being stuck on him….I think I would prefer the turnip. To which my brain was like…so girls then….alright glad we got that sorted.October 19, 2018 at 12:32 pm #232007AnonymousGuestDear Shadisa:
I don’t think you should have a relationship with a turnip, be it a boy-turnip or a girl-turnip. You want a relationship with a decent person. Be a decent person and accept nothing but decency in return.
anita
October 19, 2018 at 5:03 pm #232065ShadisaParticipantI have very timidly started looking for someone that I think could really make me happy….it is almost more affirming then anything else I have thought this week about my past or whatever that this is what I really want….
I keep thinking it is odd a couple months ago I was talking to guys thinking do I have a chance and at the same time thinking I am not that into him….and this week talking to a woman that I hardly know a thing about my heart skips a beat every time I get a reply….and I am absolutely scared out of my mind.October 20, 2018 at 5:46 am #232099AnonymousGuestDear Shadisa:
A couple of months ago you talked to this or that guy “thinking I am not that into him”, so you weren’t scared if he was not into you as well, not too scared. But when you talked to a woman this week, you were all excited, being into her, so you were more scared about the possibility of her not being into you.
Did I understand correctly?
anita
October 26, 2018 at 4:28 pm #233605ShadisaParticipantOh I am driving myself completely insane….
I get to see her tomorrow and I don’t know what tomorrow is besides getting to see her for awhile….and I am driving myself completely mad with self doubt….October 27, 2018 at 6:11 am #233645AnonymousGuestDear Shadisa:
What is the self doubt about, regarding seeing her tomorrow; what are the doubting thoughts that go through your mind?
anita
October 27, 2018 at 7:13 am #233659ShadisaParticipantMostly wondering if feels like I do….
Wondering if I even have a chance…. -
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