Yeah, waiting is terrible. I know i’m not waiting with baited breath so to speak but I know on some level Im wanting it, but that im wanting something that may not, and probably never will, come. I can see how its exhausting me now. But thats hard to realise in a full body mind and spirit sense. Patience, as you said.

I think my parents patience with paying for psychotherapy has worn thin. I had a “therapist” for nearly 18 months from the end of my masters. I found out towards the end she was actually training and not qualified… everytime I left that room I never felt better about myself, only confused. Everyone noticed and told me to change. But no! I said, I have faith in it! I think  that onylu once or twice we had breakthroughs. With my therapist in school, when I was 16-18, it was nearly every session I felt better and relieved, she had changed how my mind had worked. My other therapist? She had smothered me, she told me to stop talking in sessions and “breathe”…. she never asked “why do you keep talking”… it was a traumatic experience, I felt violated or upset or deeply confused and conflicted after every sesssion. Anyway it was expensive and never really helped me. I think I lost patience with it a little too, my hopes of change were constantly being dashed.

I still have faith in psychotherapy, of course, but now im living in Brazil, finding an English speaking therapist will be hard. Its not imposssible, I’ve found several in my city, but they charge European prices for my Brazilian salary. I could ask mum and dad for help, but I dont think they’ll be forthcoming this time. But, as you said, focussing on my worklife is probably good. If I see it as my work for me, this is my life right now kind of thinking, maybe i~ll take it much more seriously. I think I dont commit here because I sort of think theyll bail me out, if it goes wrong I can go home… maybe that explains my kind of detached approach, partly. If I take it seriously maybe i’ll take on more hours and be able to afford it myself.