Most certainly. I see my identity there. But I feel drawn back to them. To some comfort or soemthing, some moral victory? I see the image of my brother and the better relationship with my father he had… there’s a strong drive to keep them in my life. Perhaps because, as im writing im realisng this, I came all the way here to Brazil not really knowing why, just that Brazil was good as it was close to my, at the time, ex. I have not yet “arrived” here totally. Perhaps I am using them as a sort of “get of jail free card”, or a backstop should it go wrong. I know, as I write this, that that backstop should be me. But, its a big step. I don’t understand actually how on the trip I managed to step out… what did I do that meant I could return to the city and feel as i did?

Naturally talking to them returned me to how I felt before, but, im not talknig to them now and its back. Triggered thoughts I suppose.

Indeed… I feel some comfort in their presence, with them in my life. But that is not my identity… symbolically in so many parts of my life I am childish and sort of just waiting around… I don’t go out to socialize, I don’t go and find a hobby or activity to do. I realise, I have no life here. I was just waiting to talk to my bf again… and I still am. Im not going out to live my life, i’m just waiting… for their approval too maybe? They said they didn’t like i’d talked to my bf and reconciled… so now I am not liking him and constantly inventing arguments with him again about that, but am I really dissatisfied with him? Or am I feeling shameful because of what my parents said, and being so atached to them still, i’m trying to solve a problem in my head that doesn’t really exist? It extends to my life in general, but again i’m constantly thinking about my bf, or thinking about trying not to think about him again.

Yeah, waiting is terrible. I know i’m not waiting with baited breath so to speak but I know on some level Im wanting it, but that im wanting something that may not, and probably never will, come. I can see how its exhausting me now. But thats hard to realise in a full body mind and spirit sense. Patience, as you said.

I think my parents patience with paying for psychotherapy has worn thin. I had a “therapist” for nearly 18 months from the end of my masters. I found out towards the end she was actually training and not qualified… everytime I left that room I never felt better about myself, only confused. Everyone noticed and told me to change. But no! I said, I have faith in it! I think  that onylu once or twice we had breakthroughs. With my therapist in school, when I was 16-18, it was nearly every session I felt better and relieved, she had changed how my mind had worked. My other therapist? She had smothered me, she told me to stop talking in sessions and “breathe”…. she never asked “why do you keep talking”… it was a traumatic experience, I felt violated or upset or deeply confused and conflicted after every sesssion. Anyway it was expensive and never really helped me. I think I lost patience with it a little too, my hopes of change were constantly being dashed.

I still have faith in psychotherapy, of course, but now im living in Brazil, finding an English speaking therapist will be hard. Its not imposssible, I’ve found several in my city, but they charge European prices for my Brazilian salary. I could ask mum and dad for help, but I dont think they’ll be forthcoming this time. But, as you said, focussing on my worklife is probably good. If I see it as my work for me, this is my life right now kind of thinking, maybe i~ll take it much more seriously. I think I dont commit here because I sort of think theyll bail me out, if it goes wrong I can go home… maybe that explains my kind of detached approach, partly. If I take it seriously maybe i’ll take on more hours and be able to afford it myself.

I have contacted a few about prices etc, maybe I will go and have a few trial sessions and ask about prices.

I do have my counsellor here but I notice she just lets me speak and speak rather than inquiring and helping me to change how I think, as I quite obviously need.

Career wise… Idk. I’m living the career I wanted… to teach abroad in order to travel. But, I never asked myself if I enjoy either… I know I would on some level if I wasnt spending all my life concerned about something else. Instead im just sort of waiting. This is again a problem for my relationship, im waiting for him to make the step to create a life etc. To be fair, he wants to start a business together, which could be good. I like the idea of having a hostel or a school to run. I think I would like to be an academic or something but as he keeps saying he knows a lot of the professors at his local university so that could help me… but a part of me doesnt know if thats what I want to do… perhaps because all this time apart and constantly “imagining” rather than “living” a relationship makes it seem hard to come to life.

I always wanted to travel and travel then settle down. Now, I want to settle in a foreign country… so it appears all set in some senses.

Hi Anita

So I looked for some psychotherapists here, and went to see one yesterday. It was good, we identified the patterns of behaviour that cause me all this overthinking etc. She also isnt too expensive, I should be able to afford it somewhat. Should be good right? I left feeling better, and with a clearer head.

But, I feel guilty? I don’t know why? I also sort of feel much more lonely now. Unsettled. Is that a good thing?

She did outline what we would do. Infact on her website I saw she sometimes used the techniques that my other therapist, the bad one, had used, which was reassuring to know it was just the wrong type of therapy for me. Thankfully she uses other ones as well. I have an appointment with another one tomorrow, but I feel sort of exhausted to talk. Even on Friday, I sat down in her room and didnt know what to say, I was waiting for questions, but gosh I was just lost.

When I left had a clearer head,and felt better in some way but in another Idk I felt very weird. Maybe because its expensive? I~ve made a commitment to change now, and maybe that change is scary. I’ve felt so similar the last 4 years feeling “better” feels unfamiliar and weird. The whole weekend ive been getting bitter at my boyfriend again, projecting and overthinking as usual. I convinced myself I would leave him today, but I know thats not going to either happen or make me feel better. I got to to work then all I told myself on the bus disappears. Its exhausting.

Indeed I felt clearer headed before the weekend but then its sort of become negative, anxiety is filling the void of not overthinking everything, and I dont know. I know a lot of it is still overthinking re my boyfriend. Why do I spend all day getting angry at things, especially him. Never my father? Or even getting angry at all? I suppose these are good questions but not useful. Maybe I should just turn this thought process off. But I dont know how to fill my life! What do happy people think about ?!

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Ben.

I had an interesting reflection yesterday. I was writing a long message, full of ruminations, but actually, I realised soemthing important.

Beforehand, the relationship was so heavily based on a lonely, unsatisfied individual craving the attention and validation of someone else. That was what had tied me to him, a lot. I think now I’m doubtful because I’ve realised that i dont know what our relationship is now. Im ok with it as it is. I think I always wanted a good story, because in reality I am a strong independent person, I never wanted someone who is dependent on me, and vice versa. Now, Ive become that to the one person I wanted to be strong and independent with, maybe im disgusted at my own behaviour. The people I carry with me, they judge me, but I dont really care, it was my decision. At the same time, the shame wears me down so much, I dont love myself enough, so I cling too strongly to him.

I read old texts, that I had sent ot my friend, from about 3 years ago. The one who I blamed for giving me too many expectations, and actually, she was giving sound advice at the time. He should fight for the relationship, not be indifferent and pretend its all alright. (I would always send accusatory messages) And what was I talking about to her ? About almost the exact same feelings towards him as I have now. Anger, frustration, how dare he never talk, how dare he be so indifferent. And again, a knowledge that deep down i~’m not like that. A knowledge I can scream and cry and not change him. I spilled the frustration onto him. I didn’t chose to grow, to grow alone without him, or to grow and be there for him if he wanted to open up.

Yesterday too, I also saw that he withdraws, but I saw, anew, the man who opened up to me in Chile, and I saw someone terrified of commitment. I saw perhaps he actually acts like I do. I could message him and tell him how much I dont care about the relationship and how i’ll get the next flight out, f*** you! I started to analyse my behaviour and stop tirelessly examining his. I always wanted to be the person who understands. If I love him but htere are difficulties, they can be solved with empathy and understanding. Im just shouting and screaming. I saw too, he is confused because he still feels compelled to look after his mother and brother, even though they both have their own lives, their own businesses. Thats why he feels so drawn to go back home. I was doing the same, I realised, when he said to go live in Brazil with him… I stayed at home, “to look after” my parents.

Idk if, aside from myself, I should really see him as someone to work on or not. Maybe the relationship is doomed, or maybe this is the foundation of a strong bond. I know I give myself too much angst, but I think I have to admit, he has issues too. I realise ive told myself too much the relationship failed because of my failings, not his. This is harder as he evades. But even he seems to admit he is then drawn back to me. The issue is I write and I see all the other people who talk and talk but their relationship is perhaps over. Am I refusing to accept? Or am I more insightful and the relationship has a possibility?

Yeah…

I read this but I always return to a thought of “it’ll be ok in the end” with him. For some reason I have never accepted leaving him. Its like a lot of the other people on here, they struggle with that separation. My friend said this before, and I took it as pressure and expectations. He is indifferent, for whatever reason. I only wish I could help him see he doesnt have to be totally alone… I know thats his journey and I could only ever be a voice or advisor… not to convince him convienietly to be in love with me…

I’m seeing him again in a couple weeks, and I will discuss it with him, see for one final time if it will work. I see these signs the relationship is weak, we only talked 3 times since we parted after the trip. Last time even he said “we’ll talk soon”. I was upset because im his boyfriend, you dont say talk soon. Unless he meant it openly like in a couple days. I can talk to him too after all. Even so I told myself to chill out, gave myself a load of explanations as to why. Why do I make so many excuses? Is it because I can’t accept it wont work? So long, even when he had moved on and we werent talking, I was just waiting and waiting, never getting over him. Or there would be a sense of missed opportunity. I know I couldnt approach it in a calm collected way, and discuss and end, or a future. Only an argument arises in my head, and I know it doesnt have to be that way. Maybe in the context of hte serenity prayer, I feel like I would have been missing wisdom and would be impulsively dumping him, rather than a gentle realization, a growing thought, of “I cannot change him”. If I cannot change him, it is a release to finish. But, I falter at this point.

Indeed I have set a deadline or ultimatum, to myself, that if we meet and I suggest we try living together in the near future, and he drifts off again, I will for sure end it. I think im detecting that he will likely say that anyway, seeing his current distance behaviour. Those days after the trip? I was happy with this. Then, something changed, if I lose him, something went wrong, not right. I was content with any eventuality, now, i~m nervous. I was happy to keep him as a friend, now I’m either in love with him or ready to dump him out of my life. I know this ultimatum may come, and may go again. I will meet, my confidence will falter and I will just gravitate back to him. Weakness, and I know it wouldnt be healthy. I never know whether to try and help someone understand more about themselves… is there true love under there or is that what love and relaitonships are… much more common than I previously thought? Was the thrill, the pleasure, really a growth in myself I associated with him, and the dream of a life with him and I just cling to that even though we have both changed and perhaps were never meant to be?