She would always say “he should fight for your attention, want to be with you always”… “you’re apart but dont you realise, you could see each other again tomorrow!”. “I cant believe how dysfunctional he is”… “wasn’t it just a summer fling”. At the time I think I didnt really feel that way… about him, I just resented how clingy he made me feel because it was distracting me, as now, from healing.

I remembered all these a while ago and thought they had given me too high expectations of the relationship with him. She had had a long term relationship, of 3 or 4 years, with her then boyfriend, but they were distant. They had been physically together but she came back to the UK for university… so the context was a little different. Maybe, she was talking from their relationship perspective. Once she had also said, about her, and me, being clingy “I wish I could realise, I’m alone. Not lonely, but alone. I’m my own seperate person totally responsible for my own happiness. I’m intelligent enough to know that but I always want more and more from my boyfriend”. “I was so upset about uni, he just said itll be ok, then he went to bed!” Hers too, was distant, and as she settled in the UK and he remained in South Africa, they eventually parted ways. Perhaps this allowed it to get tangled up in my head, my feelings, my expectations etc… But, when I read them for real yesterday they made more sense.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Ben.

Hmm good question. Im glad you see her advice as a little mixed. I never quite knew who was behaving unreasonably, just like now, for the exact reason you stated. And well, I know he is fine alone… or do I in this moment im writing this.. do I fully believe that or am I projecting because its emotionally convienient? But seeing “he is impulsive” etc, I want to tell him this in some way, show him how the relationship isnt working. Otherwise… Idk. The fact he retreats, but says such words to me like in Chile? I get confused, I suppose like with my friend. Hot, cold.

Separation anxiety. Hmm. Im happy to see him again, when I see myself as going alone, I suppose. When its me living my life and meeting somone who is a part of it. But, in my current state, I sort of get pre-emptive separation anxiety, like I know i will be nervous in all those interactions where he does have to leave, go shower, talk to someone, meet a friend. While we are apart its acute, drifts away, is acute again, when I think about it. Sometimes its him posting a picture on instagram, triggers my anxiety for some reason.

But, when we said goodbye, last time I felt a relief, I could see a time to be alone and work on myself. I didnt respond when he said ” im on my way to my friends house, bye, love you”. I almost didnt respond again when I posted a pic of me at the airport and he said “good trip”!…. I was like ugh fine.  I didnt like, for the first time, that he had been affectionate. Before I would have loved such behaviour. I kind of wanted to reject it. He was acting like a bf then and I didnt want him too. (Perhaps he was expecting me to be more clingy since and doesnt know what im up to) I didnt reply for a long time as well when he asked me how the flight was. I wanted to focus on myself. I seem to crave his attention but when I get it… I dont anymore?

One of the times we talked since, I simply wished him a good time on his mini-trip to a farm. When afterwards he said “how are you?”, I actually winced, I just wanted him to say thank you. I didnt want a conversation with him because I knew how I would start feeling. I said hi on saturday, he replied fairly quickyl, I responded nearly a day later… not for any reason? Whats that?

Gosh! It makes sense! Its a total parallel… when its time for him to come near again… the anxiety spikes much more. Hence, a photo triggers it again, a thought about him triggers it again… constant separation anxiety. Dont come near me, you’ll leave again. Its painful and I dont understand it… ughh

Again another revelation. That’s exactly it Anita. Precisely how I feel. A pickle indeed.

Indeed I can detect this the whole way back. Even when we were not dating, just messaging (this was before the fateful holiday), I could be more realistic about the situation, at the time. I would feel separation anxiety. Why hadnt he messaged? Waaaa. But, I would control myself with the fact of the situation, we werent together, just a but attached romantically. I saw growth though, perhaps mistakenly, as each time I got nervous, anxious, I let the thought pass. I felt stronger each time, that I was growing through my pain by connecting with someone. Regardless, I was building up my life after all. Plans included him but not always, I was going to visit him in Brazil, sure, but I was going to come back and do my masters (Though I was never 100% on that). Perhaps now in a relationship I let the anxiety run amok, as if its justified now because of the relationship. (Whatever kind of relationship it is but thats beside this point). His behaviour triggers it extremely in me and throws me off. I cant properly process his behaviour cos it sends me into overdrive.

I will keep working on the anxiety. I mustn’t forget the idea of progress, im moving forward in life etc. Otherwise I will just play this record again and again. I have to expunge this anxiety, for better or worse relationship wise, but more importantly for me to have clarity. But at least now I know why just downing tools and leaving him feels like a release, but a false one a temporary one, one that isnt cathartic. I am at peace but this confusing mesh of emotions overwhelms my thoughts, feelings, judgements. It sneaks up on me and strangles my ability to have any meaningful relationship. I used to get it with any guy… even a guy I would meet in a club, when he would talk to his friends! A guy I maybe had known for 20 minutes… maybe he goes to buy a drink, i´d be expecting him to never come back! This comes out in the interactions with my boyfriend. I end up feeling like… idk, I acted how did not want to act. I want to act like I was before, disengaging the anxiety, learning growing.

I know I can do that with anybody, of course, It doesnt matter if its him or not… I suppose its him at this moment. Idk. Idk whether to try and communicate more, to “exercise the good muscle”, work through my anxieties. Let them arise but talk to the therapist about them, or… leave?

Well it happened today, I commented on a picture on instagram, he said he couldn’t be in a relationship with me. Probably he was screwing that guy he was staying with in Argentina. Whatever.

I feel weird now, I feel free… I don’t have much hope for future relationships. I told myself so much in this one that it was my fault and carried that with me for nearly 2 years, I don’t know how to have a life of my own anymore. Well, I get glimpses. When I was threatening to break up with him in my head I would tell myself I could go live a life. But, I’m sort of trapped with this idea of a future with him.

Not completely, I must say.

I can see my whole life as my own, now, actually. But, I don’t know what the next step is. Do I stay in Brazil, try to have my own life here? I can kind of imagine one, but I feel like my heart lies elsewhere.

I can also see how I stopped myself doing this before. I kept returning to this false reality. Even when I didn’t talk to him. I can almost see it now, kind of “no but it’ll work out in the end”… but it won’t. Ugh…. what the hell do I do now?

I feel so confused. I know I don’t need him as my boyfriend, we did kind of agree to stay friends, which is a good situation, I think partially not having him in my life was one of hte reasons I couldn’t move on… I couldn’t see that he had moved on. I can accept we’re not meant to be. I’m on my own now, and I can pursue whatever I want.

Idk I had a bad, annoying therapy session yesterday. I specifically told her I didn’t like that my previous therapist did “visualizations” but all about the colours I was seeing rather than proper psychoanalysis and helping me use tools to control my anxieties. So today I was in a bad mood anyway. I commented on the picture and then pow.

It’s a double whammy. I’m furious with the therapist, that really took me out of myself. I left without knowing how to cope with my problems for this week. Then today, I’m totally lost over this. It wasn’t a full “well gosh that’s over then” like I had wanted.

There was no opening up for me to take the space left by him leaving the relationship. I downloaded tinder and what was I doing? Manically swiping again. I’m looking for someone else to fill the void, it should be me. I’m blaming the therapist for making me feel a certain way. I remember the good advice, the good feeling, from the week earlier, that had helped me feel a lot better. But now when I remember it, I get flustered about this week’s crappy session and it all goes out the window. I can’t just be here, in my room (alone as usual)… I want to meet people but only because I crave attention again not because I want to meet new people.

I feel a bit hopeless, helpless and lonely.

Yeah she basically used a technique I had specifically told her about and said that last time it hadnt worked. And I told other people about it and they all said it was like quackery.

Im thinking about deleting him from my life, my ex. But, a part of me wants to just be friends too. Im mixed between jealousy, being kind of angry that he “moved on” so quickly, then an urge to move on entirely myself. I mean, for him it was different… he met someone from a long time ago and liked them again. For me, id been romanticizing him all that time. Yikes. Well anyway im not thinking about that part of it so much, I just dont want to feel like an idiot. I think im a bit hurt by it, but, in a way, its not his fault. Ok, if he was suggesting buying rings, you dont say to someone a month later “sorry, i dont think I love you”… that was a dick move. A part of me also thinks… maybe if id talked to him more since we said goodbye, he wouldnt have drifted off. He said he didnt feel it anymore since he was away from me. Didnt I start to feel the same?

One minute I think I should just leave the country, it isnt working here very well in general after all. I chatted with my parents and my dad said “you know you never smile when we ask how you are, you always just say “yeah im ok” or “im alright”. Rather than taking it as a judgement of his I realised it myself, id been feeling the same the last few weeks. Im not enjoying, loving life here. Im just surviving. I dont know if the new stimulus of moving somewhere new, perhaps after deleting my ex from my life totally (blocking him on social media totally) would help. Land somewhere new, start a life knowing he isnt coming back, and that I am not going back to him. It might seem drastic but I think remaining here is not the right way. Too much reminds me of him, the language, everything, im reminded of how I came here just for him.

At the same time, I feel like another way to move on is just be at peace with it. Maybe still leave the country, but why not just be his friend? Not message him all the time, let the dust settle etc. I feel like sometimes people block people out but that sort of means they stay with them anyway as a sort of bad energy. Or am I doing that just because I still want to be close to him? But then… don’t lots of people still talk to their ex’s? Isnt blocking him making a big deal out of it? I feel like removing him from my life again would hurt. We shared a lot after all, and in person we still get on well. Ok, for a few weeks, months I should probably do the “no contact” thing to focus on myself. But sometimes I wonder if blocking is childish… after all, I should mentally change my opinion of him and blocking is just social media… I dont know if im really angry at him, or just angry at myself for letting it go on for so long in the blind hope the over romanticized fantasy future with him would materialize.

Yeah, true. I worry It would be doing as I often do in my life, giving someone else the power over the decision. Im only leaving cos of him! That’s just symptomatic of my issues, tho, right? Im actually making a decision to preserve my sense of self now, by choosing to go where I feel best. Its a genuine act of self-preservation. I can leave and tell myself that, or continue telling myself other people have power over my life… right? haha i~m still undecided on somethings. Its a little drastic, sure, and some people do see it as such… but it feels right. I see myself in other places and feeling freer, nothing better than a change to… change!

You think its monogamy? Interesting. His English was terrible in the conversation we finished the relationship with.. he wrote the last message out and I couldn’t figure out if it was “I don’t want to be just with you” which, I get, we’re both young, and I had plenty of over the shoulder moments too… That helps me to accept it better and he just didn’t want to commit to it. Fair enough. Or was it just simply “I don’t want to be with you”… which is just rude and childish. Not that it matters, I suppose I can interpret it how I want if the first option makes me feel more at peace, doesn’t change anything after all. He’d said too “maybe if we were together it would be different”… which is stupid as he was the one determined to keep traveling after we’d met again. Anyway, I’m not pontificating.

The future? I don’t know, I think I have a couple of options, emailed a few schools etc. One in Mexico, another in Spain. if that doesn’t work out, I think ill come home anyway. Just do whatever, maintain a positive attitude. Have a plan to save money and go travelling. Perhaps it says a lot that I still see it as home? I worry about going home to my parents, but they seem to have a healthier attitude towards it. I worry I~’ll go an dissolve again, waiting for someone on a dating app to fulfill my dreams (not that i’ll let it happen but… I fear). They say they won’t let me do that and will push me to get a job anyway… and that’s what I want to do. Maybe spend time re-adjusting my life… I saw there are a couple therapists in my hometown, so If I did go home, get a job, earn money, I could be there, yes, but be taking care of myself and moving on. Then, who knows… maybe Australia.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Ben.