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Re-starting with my Ex

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Viewing 7 posts - 91 through 97 (of 97 total)
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  • #238397
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ben:

    Living in an English speaking country, Australia, US, Canada, etc., has the  advantage of not having to learn a new language, if you don’t have the  passion of learning a new language. That is likely to make  better  employment possible as well as therapy  (you need therapy in your language, notice the difficulties in understanding your Brazilian guy’s recent communication in English!). So yes, go where you can make money, better money, best you can and take it from there.

    Regarding the guy, really it was a dream, wasn’t  it, a nice dream but a dream…?

    You want Love in reality, to get to that, you have to see where it is not, it is not in fantasy. Fantasy feels nice at times, better than reality! But it  doesn’t last, that excellent feeling because reality does not accommodate fantasy.

    Better stick to reality, no matter where you live and what you do, pay attention to what is real.

    anita

    #238403
    Ben
    Participant

    I used to have the passion, I was in love with the idea. But, perhaps right now its not what I need. Or, I dont need to learn one with all the baggage of him attached. Spanish doesnt have that baggage attached to it at all, and I have had a hankering to pick it up again.

    It was certainly a fantasy, even when reality. Most communcations were about a future, always a future together. So much so that even when we were a more ‘real” couple, Id never realise that we were far away and that wasnt building a real bond. Instead it was endless plans and plans, constantly refining the same ones, agreeing, but never starting, never realising these dreams, plans together. And well, this time, I think it came to a head that it was indeed only a fantasy.

    I realised this too, I should have seen it more objectively, I was so stuck in my old mindset, that endless fantasizing, this time I didnt see it for how fragile, fleeting it was. I kept telling myself “wow he really is the one”… but this time it was more hesitant, I was doubting it because it wasnt real anymore… he wasnt a proper boyfriend. I told myself that it was my fault, but that was the doubts from before. This time, it really wasnt working.

    In some sense, it was nice… if I look at it as a brief heady re-encounter and nothing more, so be it. Life goes on… that takes away the self blame that I was the idiot over-dedicated to someone who didnt feel the same. No guilt-tripping needed. Let it all go…

    #238405
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ben:

    I don’t think he is capable of the relationship you wish to have, no matter with whom. I don’t think he is capable. And I don’t think he is willing. He wants something friendly, a bit here, a bit there, says things, even feels things at the moment, gets along, says and does what feels nice to you, and therefore to him, so that when he is with you he feels good. When away… he really is away in every way.

    If you agree, if I am correct, then it is not possible,  in reality, to have with him more than what you had, which is not even close to being adequate.

    anita

    #238413
    Ben
    Participant

    Yeah, I have accepted that all now and I agree with you. He isn’t ready, or willing, and perhaps never will be ready to have a proper relationship, he only tells himself and those he meets that, perhaps because of his own fantasy or delusion. It doesnt matter to me though, because it is over. I dont think he’s a bad person, just perhaps not fully aware of his actions. Doesn’t matter anyway, I am no longer attaching my dreams or wishes of a man to him, I am actively detaching them. Seeing him as a human nonetheless, with whatever issues he has, but detaching myself from him so I can move on. I am merely processing what happened to simply be able to accept it, move on, not judge myself or anyone else. No bad taste in my mouth, no bitterness towards myself either. I can still want the same of someone, I do have a legitimate expectation of a relationship. And, it wasnt wrong or foolish of me to think I saw that in him, but that is all it was, I thought I saw it in him. But, it is over. Sure, the future is the future, maybe I will see him again someday, but I dont plan on waiting for him at all, especially romantically. I want something better. I dont want to get tied to him ever again. (I need to 100% believe this yet I still need to see how it wasn’t good, but that will come with time as I accept what happened.) Im even slowly unravelling all the processes id developed that stop me from considering other guys. Slowly seeing how often I over-attached myself to him. And, this process feels good. Its scary when I lapse and think of him and feel jealous and hurt by what hes doing now… taking romantic pics of him with the guy in Argentina… but I removed him from instagram and as I move on, I will feel that urge to look less and less. Its a little sad, I think I feel sorry for myself. Perhaps too proud still to admit it was what it was (I cant think of a constructive word for the experience), but no worries.

    I am focussing on me and me alone.

    #238429
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ben:

    I smile at the moment as I think of a love story that will happen in your life. I can see it happening, in my mind’s eye. Not with him but with someone else, someone capable and willing. I think you will be able soon to evaluate a potential partner better, to be able to tell if he is able and willing. What a delight that would  be, to love and trust the same person, to be able to trust the man you love.

    Learn and move on, experience and learn some  more. I do. Nothing else makes sense.

    anita

    #238433
    Ben
    Participant

    I think, this is what I finally am seeing today, that it’s with someone else my heart should lie. Takes a while to heave it out of place, set it free, dust it off again, but it will work. I’m seeing the learning it whats happened, not self-guilt, not telling myself I did something bad and can only continue to do so. If this is what I take back with me on the plane, then perfect. That happy-sad feeling of moving on but with new opportunity around the corner. It’s scary but its like I’m peeling back a big curtain. Not that the curtain is scary, but before I’ve been scared of what’s behind it. I really can move on, step into my own journey once more.

     

    #238437
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ben:

    “not  self-guilt. not telling myself I did something bad”- I agree. You didn’t do anything bad at all when you travelled to Brazil looking for love, that was as natural and… as good as good can be. Love is a good thing.

    A mistake, yes, but how can you learn if you don’t make choices- you learn and make better choices. Unlike some organisms  who operate by instincts alone, or emotion alone, we humans are not born with the wisdom that is required to think correctly, and incorporate our thinking well into our choices- that has to be learned.

    You are learning. Your recent post indicates learning-in-progress.

    anita

Viewing 7 posts - 91 through 97 (of 97 total)

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