Dear Anita

I’m back after spending last night and today with my boyfriend. We had more honest conversations than we had in the beginning of this week. Especially more open for me since I took time to think about what I did and why and also because I try to be more compassionate and try to listen to him just to hear his thoughts and feelings instead of listening to answer.

He’s confused (which is completely understandable of course and I’m still in awe of him being open to have conversations with me) because he doesn’t know if we’ll be able to get past this, because he doesn’t want to ‘waste’ more time on a dishonest relationship (me neither) and because he thinks he can never see me the way he saw me before all the lies and betrayal. I completely understand and have reassured him that I want to confront my past mistakes and deal with the unresolved pain inside me no matter his decision. I never want to cheat and betray someone like I’ve done because it only brings heartbreak and also took a piece of me and distracted me from my personal path.

To answer your previous questions;

a. Did your boyfriend express disapproval of you when you did something spontaneously with him; has he been critical of you? He has been critical of my being too loud, enthusiastic, too takative to strangers. He says he did this because he was afraid of me crossing boundaries and cheating. Which has happened, but I had taken this criticism in a different way where I would tone down when being with him and would rather go crazy with friends or when going out. This criticism is no excuse for what I did, but I believe that’s part of why I created some distance between him and me and wouldn’t show him my true sides (being emotional, in pain, or just really  outgoing and kind of reckless when drunk). I lied about the cheating because I was afraid to tell him, but I have also lied about smaller things in the past. For example about the times I cried when going out, because that’s when my emotions got out. I never shared this with him because I thought he would think of me as an emotionally unstable person and just be mad that I got too drunk. Which is mostly my interpretation and the way I took this criticism. We have talked about this today and he says he just said these things to warn me and because he was afraid I would cross some lines. I took it as ‘he gets angry when I laugh out loud, do crazy, let loose so I better not show him or tell him when something goes wrong of when I’m to reckless or impulsive’. Which makes me really sad, because even thought it isn’t an excuse for my behavior I want to believe i wouldn’t have cheated on him that many times or so severely if I could have shown this side of me to him. The infidelity was just an ‘easy’ way to deal with my unresolved emotions. Which I really regret and now realize it wasn’t a way out, it just makes everything ore complicated and distracts me from my emotions.

b. About my parent’s fights: I don’t really recall what I did. I would listen to them and stay quiet calm I guess. I only recall really crying about it once during a fight in holiday when my mom said she was leaving the holiday home by herself and I was afraid she would take the car. So still end up thinking about the practical side and not trying to think of the emotional side and how I felt. I would mostly remain calm I believe or that’s what I recall.