It  very well may be that, Anita. I have begun really deep diving into those words she said:

“I love you, but I’m not IN love with you”

The odd thing is, from what I am reading, that is NORMAL. Sadly, human beings these days are just so damned primed for instant gratification that when things start to get difficult, they would rather scrap it and start over than put work in. Of the 9 or 10 psychiatrists and marriage counselors whose opinions I have read on the matter, all this signifies is that we have entered the “rewarding love” portion of our marriage, and out of the “crazy love” part. I spoke with one of the authors, and he said that either we had the best marriage for 14 years, or rather we had just sort of lied to ourselves, and we actually hit this portion of our marriage several years ago. Because to stay in the “crazy love” phase of marriage for that long is borderline mental illness. Apparently, at that point, three things happen in the relationship that are negative if you don’t know what you are doing:

• You scrap the marriage and start finding someone new to give you the “crazy love” feeling again, which will likely lead you to a long string of failed relationships
• You have an affair
• or, you bully your partner into being who they were when you first met in a desperate attempt to recapture the “crazy love” feeling

My wife tried the first one for awhile. It’s how we went to the first. So now that I see this, it makes a whole lot more sense. My wife has never been a petty or cruel woman, and she is one of the strongest women I have ever met. If she TRULY was not in love with me anymore, as in has no feelings for me whatsoever, she would have just outright asked for a divorce, not kept me close to terrorize me. I had always sort of suspected that, but I was afraid to just put that out there with her. I don’t want to discount her feelings, so the last thing I wanted to do was go “Nah, you still love me! You just don’t get it like I do!”. Not only does that dismiss how I really think she feels, but it just sounds SOOOO pedantic and shallow.

There is one thing that worries me, however. The author/psychiatrist that I corresponded with (good man, helped out of the kindness of his heart for free, likely with something he charges several hundred dollars and hour normally for) also listed what in their business is called the “4 Horsemen of Divorce”. My wife is currently displaying 2. He says all is not lost if she is still working on us, however. Those “4HM” would be far more dire and pronounced if she really intended to bail.

We have a date for just us set up on Monday. I made and ass of myself last night because I gave her a card and flowers for our 15 year anniversary with a nice, heartfelt note inside, and she didn’t say a word about it. So I pouted and gave her the silent treatment all day over it. Sometimes I wonder if I am 40 or 14. Anyway, I hope to sort of breech this subject on our date. Maybe just ask her if what this man said is a possibility. Because 9 of 10 of those I have read/spoken to seem to think this is the most normal transition of a marriage our age. But we both have to realize that in the “reward love” phase, we must give each other reason to feel like it is a reward for us to be together. And not act like petulant teenagers when we hurt one another and just talk outright. I hope it goes better, but I am still very tentatively making plans to better myself and move on if it should crumble.

Thank you all again for your input. It has really helped to at the very least have someone to vent to, and at best here, some helpful words of encouragement and help deciphering all of this.