Kkasxo,

Yes basically I wanted marriage and children. But that wasn’t something I wanted in general, as some women do, it was only a realisation I came to when I fell in love with my ex- it was specific to him, I thought we’d have a happy life together. He told me he saw his future with me, but when push came to shove, he felt it was all to much responsibility and he ‘wasn’t cut out for it’. Despite me feeling deep deep down, with my gut instinct, that he did want the same things as me, but fear of what it meant made him bail out.

He would have made an incredible Dad but he feels he’s meant to live a life on his own. He did at times imagine what a future with me would look like, he told me things he imagined about our child or our house etc, but at the same time, he admitted he got scared at the thought of it too and if didn’t work out etc.

In the end, I believe his fear controlled his fate. Many others might read this and say, that girl is fooling herself – he wasn’t into her enough- and that may be the case, but one trait of highly sensitive people- such as me- and trust me, I don’t like being a HSP, is empathy, our intuition is acute. I felt it, I felt he deep deep down needs to be fulfilled in that way, but is unable to address that aspect of himself at this point in his life. That’s why I suspect it’s going to crop up for him one day down the road again.

My family cried with me the first time round too, my Dad actually had to take me to the GP at the time when I basically went off the rails and he still adapted pretty quickly when we reunited and got on board. They just wanted me to be happy and they saw I was happy when we reunited so they backed off.

I had an unsettled sleep again last night, my tummy was like a washing machine and just felt anxious. I did all my meditation etc so I don’t know why my sleep is getting particularly bad now, in the beginning – my sleep patterns weren’t too bad, seems to be getting worse as time goes on.

Ive been in a marathon meeting all morning so that’s keeping me distracted. Looking forward to a therapy session later which I can really do with now. Hopefully it will help shed some light on how I’m feeling.

How was your night?