Yeah…

I read this but I always return to a thought of “it’ll be ok in the end” with him. For some reason I have never accepted leaving him. Its like a lot of the other people on here, they struggle with that separation. My friend said this before, and I took it as pressure and expectations. He is indifferent, for whatever reason. I only wish I could help him see he doesnt have to be totally alone… I know thats his journey and I could only ever be a voice or advisor… not to convince him convienietly to be in love with me…

I’m seeing him again in a couple weeks, and I will discuss it with him, see for one final time if it will work. I see these signs the relationship is weak, we only talked 3 times since we parted after the trip. Last time even he said “we’ll talk soon”. I was upset because im his boyfriend, you dont say talk soon. Unless he meant it openly like in a couple days. I can talk to him too after all. Even so I told myself to chill out, gave myself a load of explanations as to why. Why do I make so many excuses? Is it because I can’t accept it wont work? So long, even when he had moved on and we werent talking, I was just waiting and waiting, never getting over him. Or there would be a sense of missed opportunity. I know I couldnt approach it in a calm collected way, and discuss and end, or a future. Only an argument arises in my head, and I know it doesnt have to be that way. Maybe in the context of hte serenity prayer, I feel like I would have been missing wisdom and would be impulsively dumping him, rather than a gentle realization, a growing thought, of “I cannot change him”. If I cannot change him, it is a release to finish. But, I falter at this point.

Indeed I have set a deadline or ultimatum, to myself, that if we meet and I suggest we try living together in the near future, and he drifts off again, I will for sure end it. I think im detecting that he will likely say that anyway, seeing his current distance behaviour. Those days after the trip? I was happy with this. Then, something changed, if I lose him, something went wrong, not right. I was content with any eventuality, now, i~m nervous. I was happy to keep him as a friend, now I’m either in love with him or ready to dump him out of my life. I know this ultimatum may come, and may go again. I will meet, my confidence will falter and I will just gravitate back to him. Weakness, and I know it wouldnt be healthy. I never know whether to try and help someone understand more about themselves… is there true love under there or is that what love and relaitonships are… much more common than I previously thought? Was the thrill, the pleasure, really a growth in myself I associated with him, and the dream of a life with him and I just cling to that even though we have both changed and perhaps were never meant to be?