Hello TinyBuddha Community,

Thanks for dropping by and spend your precious time reading my story, I appreciate it.

I am currently standing at the crossroad stuck between whether I should let go or just let it be. At 27, where I actually met my girlfriend from some dating app, her charisma has enticed me and we quickly got along with each other. She was my first girlfriend and I had never have experience in dealing in relationship. On the first few months, things looked good, we were very match in term of hobbies, social life and etc, our personality sort of able to meshed. Moving on to 7th month, her flaws surfaced, she was actually suffered from depression, meaning that when the depression triggered, she would cry uncontrollably and the whole situation would get worsened – usually this would last for a hour, in order to get her back to normal on her mood swing. As a boyfriend, as she was my first girlfriend, I decided to stay with her and helped her.

Year 1

It was the most exhausting relationship I had been through, as being with a depressed person isn’t easy for me. She would constantly telling me that she wanted to kill herself, such behavior subsequently bring me to the stage that I was living in a threatening life. She was extremely jealous, insecure, was a hateful arrogant girl. Because of this relationship, I realized not only my career performance dropped, I was starting to lose a lot of my friends, especially my special life and other hobbies, because I would spend most of the time being with her, and helped her when her depression started to eat her. You may ask why I was still being in the relationship, because, maybe I was being too naive, my motto was: everything happens for a reason, a person is willing to change, she will!. I know this was a stupid thing to think of. That was why I was destroying myself back then.

Year 2

As usual, my life was like roller coaster, one moment we were happily enjoying the beauty of scenery, one moment, with a little argument, she is going to kill herself again. I began to read a lot of psychology book, I began to understand and study human behavior that relates to psychology, and I managed to convinced my girlfriend to see psychiatrist therapist. It worked pretty well, not only I helped my girlfriend to resolve her conflict between her parents, she also has the confident to work in professional line – back then her mental disorder stopped her from being employed.

Year 3

Looking back for the past 2 years, I really can’t imagine I am able to turn a depressed person into a fully functional person to live on her daily life. Now my girlfriend got quite decent job. But down deep, the guilt is starting to haunt me; I no longer love my girlfriend anymore. I’ve been trying to re-love her, but I can’t seem to convince myself. Because for all these years I’ve been with her, I;m her babysitter. I’m the helper. I help her, almost everything. Maybe I’ve gradually become more like her dad? I’m not sure if I actually got traumatized by her past depression or she is not actually the person I will love.

What makes me holding the relationship:

1. I wanted to find the right timing to end the relationship. I wanted to have a painless breakup. But…. i believe there is no such thing as “right timing”

2. I afraid she can’t take care of herself.

3. I don’t have the courage to initiate the breakup. ( if so, I;ll need to be cruel )

Can anyone help me? How do I convince myself to breakup with her…..

🙁