Well it happened today, I commented on a picture on instagram, he said he couldn’t be in a relationship with me. Probably he was screwing that guy he was staying with in Argentina. Whatever.

I feel weird now, I feel free… I don’t have much hope for future relationships. I told myself so much in this one that it was my fault and carried that with me for nearly 2 years, I don’t know how to have a life of my own anymore. Well, I get glimpses. When I was threatening to break up with him in my head I would tell myself I could go live a life. But, I’m sort of trapped with this idea of a future with him.

Not completely, I must say.

I can see my whole life as my own, now, actually. But, I don’t know what the next step is. Do I stay in Brazil, try to have my own life here? I can kind of imagine one, but I feel like my heart lies elsewhere.

I can also see how I stopped myself doing this before. I kept returning to this false reality. Even when I didn’t talk to him. I can almost see it now, kind of “no but it’ll work out in the end”… but it won’t. Ugh…. what the hell do I do now?