Yeah she basically used a technique I had specifically told her about and said that last time it hadnt worked. And I told other people about it and they all said it was like quackery.

Im thinking about deleting him from my life, my ex. But, a part of me wants to just be friends too. Im mixed between jealousy, being kind of angry that he “moved on” so quickly, then an urge to move on entirely myself. I mean, for him it was different… he met someone from a long time ago and liked them again. For me, id been romanticizing him all that time. Yikes. Well anyway im not thinking about that part of it so much, I just dont want to feel like an idiot. I think im a bit hurt by it, but, in a way, its not his fault. Ok, if he was suggesting buying rings, you dont say to someone a month later “sorry, i dont think I love you”… that was a dick move. A part of me also thinks… maybe if id talked to him more since we said goodbye, he wouldnt have drifted off. He said he didnt feel it anymore since he was away from me. Didnt I start to feel the same?

One minute I think I should just leave the country, it isnt working here very well in general after all. I chatted with my parents and my dad said “you know you never smile when we ask how you are, you always just say “yeah im ok” or “im alright”. Rather than taking it as a judgement of his I realised it myself, id been feeling the same the last few weeks. Im not enjoying, loving life here. Im just surviving. I dont know if the new stimulus of moving somewhere new, perhaps after deleting my ex from my life totally (blocking him on social media totally) would help. Land somewhere new, start a life knowing he isnt coming back, and that I am not going back to him. It might seem drastic but I think remaining here is not the right way. Too much reminds me of him, the language, everything, im reminded of how I came here just for him.

At the same time, I feel like another way to move on is just be at peace with it. Maybe still leave the country, but why not just be his friend? Not message him all the time, let the dust settle etc. I feel like sometimes people block people out but that sort of means they stay with them anyway as a sort of bad energy. Or am I doing that just because I still want to be close to him? But then… don’t lots of people still talk to their ex’s? Isnt blocking him making a big deal out of it? I feel like removing him from my life again would hurt. We shared a lot after all, and in person we still get on well. Ok, for a few weeks, months I should probably do the “no contact” thing to focus on myself. But sometimes I wonder if blocking is childish… after all, I should mentally change my opinion of him and blocking is just social media… I dont know if im really angry at him, or just angry at myself for letting it go on for so long in the blind hope the over romanticized fantasy future with him would materialize.