Exactly Anita! I can relate to it. Although I don’t feel it to the extreme like you once did, but its similar to mine. I don’t know whether my parents are the cause to such feelings, but its true that they are narcissistic. My father has severe anger management issues and no empathy towards my suffering. I was physically abused many times by both my parents. My Dad used to beat me with a leather belt in order to ‘discipline’ me according to him. He used to even slap me and pull my hair and throw me around. He still does that sometimes. My mother has this extreme jealousy and hatred towards me and it’s highly impossible to have a rational conversation with her. Recently I came to know that her bahaviour matches with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There are so many incidents which happened in my life since my childhood that scarred me, but I have managed to get out of the impact which they had on me mentally. But I guess the residual effects are still remaining. I don’t have any emotional bond with my parents and have wished many times for them to  disappear from my life. I get extremely anxious when someone gets angry at me or raises their voice on me. I start hating that person and want to run away from them.

When I’m with other people, I do observe their non-verbal gestures, not to the extreme, but to some extent. The society in which I live in, has people with jealousy issues and low self esteem. It’s kind of like a personality trait in my country. People are rude and express their jealousy in a very unhealthy manner and also attack others verbally and sometimes physically. Maybe because of this I am very sensitive to someone’s unreasonable hatred towards me. Also, its a feeling like my emotions are being controlled by the other person. Like I’m trying to tune into other person’s feelings without valuing my feelings. Something like ‘The Me’ is not at all there. I feel obligated to give a reaction to their feelings towards me.