Dear Nikkole:

“They did the best they could” is a justification of abuse and it prevents the healing  of the abused. People say this sentence a whole lot, frequently and therapists who did not heal themselves from the abuse  they suffered  themselves (!) keep repeating  this unfortunate sentence.

Here  is something better that your mother  could have done but didn’t: she  felt like giving you the silent treatment, but she could have talked to you anyway,  even though she didn’t  feel like  it.  She felt like knocking on your door to restart a fight, but she could  have resisted that urge and  leave you alone I in your room. Another thing she could have done but didn’t was to not buy her children toys and cool gadgets and use that money instead for a much needed family  therapy!

You  wrote: “I really  want  to  dig deep and find the root of all this anger”- I don’t see the need to dig deep because the root of all your anger is above ground, not deep inside, underneath. It  is evident in your recent post: your home was a war zone aggression abundant, so when you face aggression you either run away or fight,  sometimes run away, sometimes fight. This is what your mother did,  run (lock herself in the bathroom), then fight (knock on  your door to restart  a fight).

What  is your current relationship with your mother?

anita