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Unsure about my direction

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This topic contains 50 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 4 days ago.

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  • #267067

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nikkole:

    The feeling of being less than, I think it  can and will go away entirely but it will take a  long, long time and within that time you may think, like I did, that it already went away only to find  out sooner than later that  it  didn’t  go away. This is why  I wrote that extreme patience is required. I can’t  tell you yet  that the  feeling went  away entirely for me but seems to me that it will. If I live  long enough, that is. The physical process of changing what we  believe about  ourselves takes a long, long time and there is  no way to make  it faster than  is possible.

    Note, if  you will, that it is not about changing our  beliefs alone, it is  changing what  we  believe so to believe in what  is  true to reality. It is about  changing  what we believe that is not true to reality to what is. Some of what we  believe is already t rue to reality,  so no need to change those.

    A belief  is a thought glued (in our brain) by emotion. The emotion is  very convincing.

    “How do  we  understand more on an emotional level”- how do  we feel not  less than, is the question, correct, how do we feel sure that we  are equal, worthy-

    I had to  go back to my childhood to figure out  how it happened that this  belief  of being less-than took hold. Insight into childhood where our core beliefs are formed is essential, I don’t  see  how it is possible to  change core/basic beliefs formed  in  childhood without going back and examine what happened there.

    Do you want to do that?

    anita

     

    #267105

    Nikkole
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    Yes! I would greatly appreciate it if we could. I’ve actually been wanting to discover more about what happened in my childhood because unfortunately it’s a bit fuzzy.

    #267109

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nikkole:

    Well, tell me all that you do remember about your childhood, including what is fuzzy, just type away.

    anita

    #267265

    Nikkole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Okay, I’m just gonna type so sorry if I ramble a bit.

    Most of what I remember about my childhood is pretty traumatizing. Maybe not as traumatizing as some people’s experiences, but it was bad enough that I blocked out most of it. From what I can remember, I fought with my parents a lot! I’m talking, at least every night there was some sort of fight. During these fights my mom would either lock herself in the bathroom, while me and my sister begged her to come out, or she would give us the silent treatment, or I would storm off into my room, slam the door and a few minutes later my mom would knock on my door trying to stir things up again. These interactions created a very unsafe, toxic environment.

    Because my parents got divorced when I was really young (I was about 1 years old), I figured it never really affected me. I would rather see my parents apart than together because when they’re around each other, they always fight. So I would go see my dad on the weekends with my sister, and that wasn’t really much better either. When I would try to talk to my dad about my feelings, I can’t really remember how he would respond, but if it’s like anything how he is today, he gets irritated at me and makes the situation about himself. There was a time where I had asked my dad help with my math homework, and he got frustrated with me because I myself was frustrated that I didn’t understand. I can’t really remember what lead up to the fight, but when we got in the car, he started shouting, got out of the car, and just started walking around the apartment complex.

    As a young girl, I remember always feeling angry but I could never understand why. So how I coped with the emotion was by picking fights with everyone. I remember slapping my babysitter across the face, hitting my younger sister, yelling at my parents and older sister, hitting and yelling at my mom. I was just full of anger, and nobody really helped me understand why. But when I turned about 13, something happened inside me. I stopped externalizing that anger, and started internalizing it. I was so nice to everyone. I didn’t lash out as much to my parents, or my sister. I was very polite to strangers, always afraid of starting conflict. Something inside me just shifted.

    But the anger never went away, I just kind of suppressed it. And the times I do see it, is when I’m in romantic relationships. I lash out, and I become just down right mean.

    I really want to dig deep and find the root cause for all this anger, and resentment. When going to therapy the main thing I wanted to discuss with her were my parents, and how they treated me. My childhood was nothing but trauma, and some hellish nightmare. Sure I got toys, and cool gadgets, but emotionally I got nothing. It leaves me feeling empty, unwanted, and just unloved. I kind of hate my parents, because even to today they still don’t see it. They still don’t see the damage that they caused, and it sucks. I’ve tried talking to them about this, and both of them just stare at me. My dad has apologized, but it really didn’t do anything. I’m still angry at them.

    My therapist would always say: “They did the best they could” and I’m sure they did. But it still doesn’t take the pain away. It still doesn’t explain why I feel like this everyday. Like, I wanted / want to heal from my past, but we didn’t even go over any of that. So, I’m just supposed to forget about it, tell myself they did the best they could, and move on? I don’t find any peace of mind doing that. I either wallow in what happened, or keep trying to find answers as to why I feel so empty, and have no clue who I am.

    phew, that was a lot haha. If you need to know anything more just let me know (:

    #267269

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nikkole:

    “They did the best they could” is a justification of abuse and it prevents the healing  of the abused. People say this sentence a whole lot, frequently and therapists who did not heal themselves from the abuse  they suffered  themselves (!) keep repeating  this unfortunate sentence.

    Here  is something better that your mother  could have done but didn’t: she  felt like giving you the silent treatment, but she could have talked to you anyway,  even though she didn’t  feel like  it.  She felt like knocking on your door to restart a fight, but she could  have resisted that urge and  leave you alone I in your room. Another thing she could have done but didn’t was to not buy her children toys and cool gadgets and use that money instead for a much needed family  therapy!

    You  wrote: “I really  want  to  dig deep and find the root of all this anger”- I don’t see the need to dig deep because the root of all your anger is above ground, not deep inside, underneath. It  is evident in your recent post: your home was a war zone aggression abundant, so when you face aggression you either run away or fight,  sometimes run away, sometimes fight. This is what your mother did,  run (lock herself in the bathroom), then fight (knock on  your door to restart  a fight).

    What  is your current relationship with your mother?

    anita

     

     

    #267271

    Nikkole
    Participant

    Not good. We don’t fight anymore, but I don’t talk or visit her too much. When I do visit her, she just talks about work drama, and daily problems. I’m just a person to talk about her problems with, so I remain silent most of the time. So I leave feeling exhausted, and a bit negative. I hate talking about my parents like this like I’m ungrateful or something, but this is how I feel about them.

    #267281

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nikkole:

    I am familiar with the guilty feeling regarding talking about one’s parents negatively. That also stands in the way of healing. Best you can adhere to the  Truth, be loyal to the  Truth, because this is where hope  is.

    A child and adult child  will feel ungrateful to a parent who beat  them 99% of the  time for the 1% of feeding  the  child, doing something pleasing for the child. That  one percent  is enough to bring about the guilt.

    Problem is no one  does evil 100% of the time. Cartoon characters do, but not  people  in real life. The  cruelest person in the world is sometimes nice  to  somebody. So guilt is something all adult children face when healing  from childhood abuse, and abuse in childhood is very common.

    Given your current experience with your mother, what are your thoughts about the future relationship with  her, if  any, so to promote your own healing?

    I will be away from the computer  soon for the next seventeen hours or so. I hope to read more from you when I return/ anytime.

    anita

    #267411

    Nikkole
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    Honestly, I’ve discussed a couple of times with my younger sister about stopping communication with my mom altogether. I just get this crazy amount of guilt when I think about cutting her off, because 1. she won’t be around forever and 2. My mom has cut herself off from her parents (for a reason she never full expresses), and I would hate to do to my mom what she did to her parents.

    Despite these reasons, the only benefit I see for myself is it being sort of a practice of acceptance. Other than that I see no benefit.

    #267415

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nikkole:

    “the only benefit I see for myself…” benefit to cutting contact with your mother or  continuing  contact, I didn’t  understand..?

    * Will be away from the computer for a couple of hours or so.

    anita

     

    #267425

    Nikkole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Sorry. Continuing contact with my mom.

    #267429

    Nikkole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I wanted to add: if I could financially support myself, I don’t think I would have much communication with both of my parents to be honest. I don’t think I would completly cut them off, but I feel that I would defenitly limit my time with them a lot

    #267443

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nikkole:

    I figure your mother cut contact with her parents  for a good reason: they probably hurt her badly and she  was  angry at them. But not for the right purpose which would have  been to heal. If she aimed at healing, she wouldn’t have hurt her  own children as badly as she did, she would  have shared with you why she cut contact with her parents, and  how she  intended to  not do to you what her parents did to her.

    I understand your financial concern regarding ending contact with your mother/ parents. Whether you ever initiate  ending  contact with either or both your parents is up to you; no expectation on my part that you end contact with them, nor will I pressure you in any way to do so. I have  no such intention.

    Understanding more about your past and current  interactions with your mother/ father will be  helpful to you regardless. If you want to explore more, let’s continue. You wrote earlier regarding your current  interactions with your mother: “I’m just a person to talk about her problems with, so I remain silent  most  of the time. So I leave  feeling exhausted, and  a bit negative“- tell me  more about the  negative, if  you will: what  thoughts go through your  mind as she  tells you about her problems, and what does being “just a person” for  your own mother (to talk about her problems) feels like?

    By the way, If the passive act of  hearing her talk leaves you exhausted, is it not a lot of negative that you experience, not just a bit?)

    * I will soon be away from the computer for about thirteen hours.

    anita

     

    #267489

    Lampost
    Participant

    Hello Nikkole,

    I have briefly read about the conversations above and hope that I have understood the issue here.

    First of all, I think Anita has broken it down a good insight for what is the underlying thought patterns that might occur to you, which you are well aware of that.

    I can tell you like to analyse, not just about your surroundings, but for yourself as well, hence the critical mindset might set-in and play a big part in your day-to-day activities. The fact is that there is always a fine line balance on how much to think or to analyse, which is differ to person-to-person. Thinking is the head and feeling is the heart. The one who spend much energy in thinking might lose their naturalness, which what I call our nature. In contrary, the one who rely solely on feelings could bring impulsive behaviour. Like a diet, balance is the key, nothing we are having too much will benefit us. And finding that balance would bring us back to clarity.

    Since you have been practising Meditation, particularly in young age that you should give yourself a pat at the back, as most of the people would not do so, even they know where the problem lies. It is a good way to let the thinking mind settle down if you have a good technique and teacher to guide you through. However, the key here is as follow:

    1: Do not blame yourself:  it doesn’t matter how much you meditate if we blame ourselves all the time we could only get stuck in our mind.

    2: Go out and attempt new things: Instead of sitting blaming yourself or other things, spend the time going for new experience. (doesn’t matter what it is; the key is the let the mind shift into a new patterns)

    3: Be with the people you trust, to whom you feel belong: We need to share in life, this vibe is important for growth and gaining clarity for the direction we seek. And only the people with whom you feel uplifted can bring you to the stage of purpose.

    4: Let go of others and things happening around you: Everyone is thinking about themselves and figuring out how to navigate in the world, no one has the time to keep what other is doing in their life.

    5: Be you, be you, and just be you: If you are yourself, being you just like you being at home wherever you go, you can only meet the people and things that resonate with you. That I’d tell you is the key to reduce your anxiety, and bringing you happiness, joy, and purpose.

    6: Formula to take away: If you have too much in the mind – let go and do some relaxation; if you have none in the mind, go out and share your time with others who need you.

    All these things take time to grasp, and please take your time and enjoy. Don’t worry about where you will be going. In my experience, all this processes you will be going through will be the greatest moments, story, and lesson of life. Having said that, you will have to take that step. How? Do small things range from making bed, cleaning the house, and going out and do some service to others as the first stage, and once you gain the confidence by completing the commitments you have set for yourself, then you will know what to do next.

    You will do well. I am here for you. Keep moving forward.

     

    #267565

    Nikkole
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I’ve never taken the time to ask myself those questions, so I took some time to really think and feel it out. This is what I’m usually thinking when I’m with her and she’s talking about her problems: “Why does she focus so much on other people?”, “Why is she like this? What in her past happened to make her like this?”, “Just accept her. Just let her be who she is.”, I usually find myself analyzing / judging / trying to understand her actions and words.

    Being seen as “just a person” to my mom makes me feel hurt, empty, as if I’m not her daughter, a little confused, unaccepted, sad. I never feel like I can truly be myself around her. I’m always defensive around her, and feel like I can’t just allow myself to be.

    Yes, it is a lot of negativity that I feel. I just tone everything down because I feel like I am making things seem worse than what they are/ were. I still can’t seem to know if I really was emotionally abused or not. I feel like I was, but am still very unsure.

     

    Hello Lampost,

    Thank you for taking the time to write all that (: Yes, I like to analyze things a lot, but sometimes I analyze too much and I get stuck in my head. You’re totally spot on about the critical mindset, I experience that literally everyday. However, since I’ve started meditating I do find myself thinking a little less, but it’s still a work in progress. Just yesterday at work, I talked to a co-worker who I trust about my childhood. I have never shared that with anyone else besides my significant other, so it was really nice to finally open up and share a little of my story. I really am excited to be on the path of healing, so thank you again for the post!

     

    #267589

    anita
    Participant

    Dear  Nikkole:

    Your mother’s behavior with you as you were growing up was not about who you were but about her life before you. You suggested it yourself on page 1 of your thread: “She was pretty much projecting her  internal problems and hurt out on my sister and I”.

    She closed herself in her room with a glass  or bottle  of wine, feeling pretty calm and mellow, but the  affect  of  alcohol wears  off, so she comes out of her  room stirring drama, acting out her anger with you (and your sister). She  closes herself in the bathroom, hoping to cause you to worry, hearing you beg for her to come  out, enjoying your worry, finding pleasure in your distress. Then she figures you were punished enough, she comes out of the bathroom. A respite, then repeat.

    Currently she tells you about her problems. But it was always  about her problems, about her.

    It is not easy, but you started doing it, started to make your life  about you. There is a poem about mothers, saying  we,  her children, we  come  into the world through her,  but we don’t belong to her. Strange how much of a stranger we are  to  our own mothers,  isn’t  it? Strange how blind a mother often  is to her own child. Doesn’t even care to look, to see… while her child focuses on her mother, the  mother doesn’t  bother to notice that there is a person there. She doesn’t bother to see that there is a person there, not a thing to be used as an audience  to her issues, to her  anger, to  her unresolved issues from long ago.

    What do you think/ feel?

    anita

     

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