November 30, 2018 at 9:12 am #267067
The feeling of being less than, I think it can and will go away entirely but it will take a long, long time and within that time you may think, like I did, that it already went away only to find out sooner than later that it didn’t go away. This is why I wrote that extreme patience is required. I can’t tell you yet that the feeling went away entirely for me but seems to me that it will. If I live long enough, that is. The physical process of changing what we believe about ourselves takes a long, long time and there is no way to make it faster than is possible.
Note, if you will, that it is not about changing our beliefs alone, it is changing what we believe so to believe in what is true to reality. It is about changing what we believe that is not true to reality to what is. Some of what we believe is already t rue to reality, so no need to change those.
A belief is a thought glued (in our brain) by emotion. The emotion is very convincing.
“How do we understand more on an emotional level”- how do we feel not less than, is the question, correct, how do we feel sure that we are equal, worthy-
I had to go back to my childhood to figure out how it happened that this belief of being less-than took hold. Insight into childhood where our core beliefs are formed is essential, I don’t see how it is possible to change core/basic beliefs formed in childhood without going back and examine what happened there.
Do you want to do that?
anitaNovember 30, 2018 at 11:28 am #267105
Yes! I would greatly appreciate it if we could. I’ve actually been wanting to discover more about what happened in my childhood because unfortunately it’s a bit fuzzy.November 30, 2018 at 11:31 am #267109
Well, tell me all that you do remember about your childhood, including what is fuzzy, just type away.
anitaDecember 1, 2018 at 8:29 am #267265
Okay, I’m just gonna type so sorry if I ramble a bit.
Most of what I remember about my childhood is pretty traumatizing. Maybe not as traumatizing as some people’s experiences, but it was bad enough that I blocked out most of it. From what I can remember, I fought with my parents a lot! I’m talking, at least every night there was some sort of fight. During these fights my mom would either lock herself in the bathroom, while me and my sister begged her to come out, or she would give us the silent treatment, or I would storm off into my room, slam the door and a few minutes later my mom would knock on my door trying to stir things up again. These interactions created a very unsafe, toxic environment.
Because my parents got divorced when I was really young (I was about 1 years old), I figured it never really affected me. I would rather see my parents apart than together because when they’re around each other, they always fight. So I would go see my dad on the weekends with my sister, and that wasn’t really much better either. When I would try to talk to my dad about my feelings, I can’t really remember how he would respond, but if it’s like anything how he is today, he gets irritated at me and makes the situation about himself. There was a time where I had asked my dad help with my math homework, and he got frustrated with me because I myself was frustrated that I didn’t understand. I can’t really remember what lead up to the fight, but when we got in the car, he started shouting, got out of the car, and just started walking around the apartment complex.
As a young girl, I remember always feeling angry but I could never understand why. So how I coped with the emotion was by picking fights with everyone. I remember slapping my babysitter across the face, hitting my younger sister, yelling at my parents and older sister, hitting and yelling at my mom. I was just full of anger, and nobody really helped me understand why. But when I turned about 13, something happened inside me. I stopped externalizing that anger, and started internalizing it. I was so nice to everyone. I didn’t lash out as much to my parents, or my sister. I was very polite to strangers, always afraid of starting conflict. Something inside me just shifted.
But the anger never went away, I just kind of suppressed it. And the times I do see it, is when I’m in romantic relationships. I lash out, and I become just down right mean.
I really want to dig deep and find the root cause for all this anger, and resentment. When going to therapy the main thing I wanted to discuss with her were my parents, and how they treated me. My childhood was nothing but trauma, and some hellish nightmare. Sure I got toys, and cool gadgets, but emotionally I got nothing. It leaves me feeling empty, unwanted, and just unloved. I kind of hate my parents, because even to today they still don’t see it. They still don’t see the damage that they caused, and it sucks. I’ve tried talking to them about this, and both of them just stare at me. My dad has apologized, but it really didn’t do anything. I’m still angry at them.
My therapist would always say: “They did the best they could” and I’m sure they did. But it still doesn’t take the pain away. It still doesn’t explain why I feel like this everyday. Like, I wanted / want to heal from my past, but we didn’t even go over any of that. So, I’m just supposed to forget about it, tell myself they did the best they could, and move on? I don’t find any peace of mind doing that. I either wallow in what happened, or keep trying to find answers as to why I feel so empty, and have no clue who I am.
phew, that was a lot haha. If you need to know anything more just let me know (:December 1, 2018 at 8:59 am #267269
“They did the best they could” is a justification of abuse and it prevents the healing of the abused. People say this sentence a whole lot, frequently and therapists who did not heal themselves from the abuse they suffered themselves (!) keep repeating this unfortunate sentence.
Here is something better that your mother could have done but didn’t: she felt like giving you the silent treatment, but she could have talked to you anyway, even though she didn’t feel like it. She felt like knocking on your door to restart a fight, but she could have resisted that urge and leave you alone I in your room. Another thing she could have done but didn’t was to not buy her children toys and cool gadgets and use that money instead for a much needed family therapy!
You wrote: “I really want to dig deep and find the root of all this anger”- I don’t see the need to dig deep because the root of all your anger is above ground, not deep inside, underneath. It is evident in your recent post: your home was a war zone aggression abundant, so when you face aggression you either run away or fight, sometimes run away, sometimes fight. This is what your mother did, run (lock herself in the bathroom), then fight (knock on your door to restart a fight).
What is your current relationship with your mother?
anitaDecember 1, 2018 at 9:18 am #267271
Not good. We don’t fight anymore, but I don’t talk or visit her too much. When I do visit her, she just talks about work drama, and daily problems. I’m just a person to talk about her problems with, so I remain silent most of the time. So I leave feeling exhausted, and a bit negative. I hate talking about my parents like this like I’m ungrateful or something, but this is how I feel about them.December 1, 2018 at 10:19 am #267281
I am familiar with the guilty feeling regarding talking about one’s parents negatively. That also stands in the way of healing. Best you can adhere to the Truth, be loyal to the Truth, because this is where hope is.
A child and adult child will feel ungrateful to a parent who beat them 99% of the time for the 1% of feeding the child, doing something pleasing for the child. That one percent is enough to bring about the guilt.
Problem is no one does evil 100% of the time. Cartoon characters do, but not people in real life. The cruelest person in the world is sometimes nice to somebody. So guilt is something all adult children face when healing from childhood abuse, and abuse in childhood is very common.
Given your current experience with your mother, what are your thoughts about the future relationship with her, if any, so to promote your own healing?
I will be away from the computer soon for the next seventeen hours or so. I hope to read more from you when I return/ anytime.
anitaDecember 2, 2018 at 9:24 am #267411
Honestly, I’ve discussed a couple of times with my younger sister about stopping communication with my mom altogether. I just get this crazy amount of guilt when I think about cutting her off, because 1. she won’t be around forever and 2. My mom has cut herself off from her parents (for a reason she never full expresses), and I would hate to do to my mom what she did to her parents.
Despite these reasons, the only benefit I see for myself is it being sort of a practice of acceptance. Other than that I see no benefit.December 2, 2018 at 10:15 am #267415
“the only benefit I see for myself…” benefit to cutting contact with your mother or continuing contact, I didn’t understand..?
* Will be away from the computer for a couple of hours or so.
anitaDecember 2, 2018 at 11:11 am #267425
Sorry. Continuing contact with my mom.December 2, 2018 at 11:59 am #267429
I wanted to add: if I could financially support myself, I don’t think I would have much communication with both of my parents to be honest. I don’t think I would completly cut them off, but I feel that I would defenitly limit my time with them a lotDecember 2, 2018 at 2:39 pm #267443
I figure your mother cut contact with her parents for a good reason: they probably hurt her badly and she was angry at them. But not for the right purpose which would have been to heal. If she aimed at healing, she wouldn’t have hurt her own children as badly as she did, she would have shared with you why she cut contact with her parents, and how she intended to not do to you what her parents did to her.
I understand your financial concern regarding ending contact with your mother/ parents. Whether you ever initiate ending contact with either or both your parents is up to you; no expectation on my part that you end contact with them, nor will I pressure you in any way to do so. I have no such intention.
Understanding more about your past and current interactions with your mother/ father will be helpful to you regardless. If you want to explore more, let’s continue. You wrote earlier regarding your current interactions with your mother: “I’m just a person to talk about her problems with, so I remain silent most of the time. So I leave feeling exhausted, and a bit negative“- tell me more about the negative, if you will: what thoughts go through your mind as she tells you about her problems, and what does being “just a person” for your own mother (to talk about her problems) feels like?
By the way, If the passive act of hearing her talk leaves you exhausted, is it not a lot of negative that you experience, not just a bit?)
* I will soon be away from the computer for about thirteen hours.
anitaDecember 3, 2018 at 7:31 am #267489
I have briefly read about the conversations above and hope that I have understood the issue here.
First of all, I think Anita has broken it down a good insight for what is the underlying thought patterns that might occur to you, which you are well aware of that.
I can tell you like to analyse, not just about your surroundings, but for yourself as well, hence the critical mindset might set-in and play a big part in your day-to-day activities. The fact is that there is always a fine line balance on how much to think or to analyse, which is differ to person-to-person. Thinking is the head and feeling is the heart. The one who spend much energy in thinking might lose their naturalness, which what I call our nature. In contrary, the one who rely solely on feelings could bring impulsive behaviour. Like a diet, balance is the key, nothing we are having too much will benefit us. And finding that balance would bring us back to clarity.
Since you have been practising Meditation, particularly in young age that you should give yourself a pat at the back, as most of the people would not do so, even they know where the problem lies. It is a good way to let the thinking mind settle down if you have a good technique and teacher to guide you through. However, the key here is as follow:
1: Do not blame yourself: it doesn’t matter how much you meditate if we blame ourselves all the time we could only get stuck in our mind.
2: Go out and attempt new things: Instead of sitting blaming yourself or other things, spend the time going for new experience. (doesn’t matter what it is; the key is the let the mind shift into a new patterns)
3: Be with the people you trust, to whom you feel belong: We need to share in life, this vibe is important for growth and gaining clarity for the direction we seek. And only the people with whom you feel uplifted can bring you to the stage of purpose.
4: Let go of others and things happening around you: Everyone is thinking about themselves and figuring out how to navigate in the world, no one has the time to keep what other is doing in their life.
5: Be you, be you, and just be you: If you are yourself, being you just like you being at home wherever you go, you can only meet the people and things that resonate with you. That I’d tell you is the key to reduce your anxiety, and bringing you happiness, joy, and purpose.
6: Formula to take away: If you have too much in the mind – let go and do some relaxation; if you have none in the mind, go out and share your time with others who need you.
All these things take time to grasp, and please take your time and enjoy. Don’t worry about where you will be going. In my experience, all this processes you will be going through will be the greatest moments, story, and lesson of life. Having said that, you will have to take that step. How? Do small things range from making bed, cleaning the house, and going out and do some service to others as the first stage, and once you gain the confidence by completing the commitments you have set for yourself, then you will know what to do next.
You will do well. I am here for you. Keep moving forward.December 3, 2018 at 8:52 am #267565
I’ve never taken the time to ask myself those questions, so I took some time to really think and feel it out. This is what I’m usually thinking when I’m with her and she’s talking about her problems: “Why does she focus so much on other people?”, “Why is she like this? What in her past happened to make her like this?”, “Just accept her. Just let her be who she is.”, I usually find myself analyzing / judging / trying to understand her actions and words.
Being seen as “just a person” to my mom makes me feel hurt, empty, as if I’m not her daughter, a little confused, unaccepted, sad. I never feel like I can truly be myself around her. I’m always defensive around her, and feel like I can’t just allow myself to be.
Yes, it is a lot of negativity that I feel. I just tone everything down because I feel like I am making things seem worse than what they are/ were. I still can’t seem to know if I really was emotionally abused or not. I feel like I was, but am still very unsure.
Thank you for taking the time to write all that (: Yes, I like to analyze things a lot, but sometimes I analyze too much and I get stuck in my head. You’re totally spot on about the critical mindset, I experience that literally everyday. However, since I’ve started meditating I do find myself thinking a little less, but it’s still a work in progress. Just yesterday at work, I talked to a co-worker who I trust about my childhood. I have never shared that with anyone else besides my significant other, so it was really nice to finally open up and share a little of my story. I really am excited to be on the path of healing, so thank you again for the post!December 3, 2018 at 9:37 am #267589
Your mother’s behavior with you as you were growing up was not about who you were but about her life before you. You suggested it yourself on page 1 of your thread: “She was pretty much projecting her internal problems and hurt out on my sister and I”.
She closed herself in her room with a glass or bottle of wine, feeling pretty calm and mellow, but the affect of alcohol wears off, so she comes out of her room stirring drama, acting out her anger with you (and your sister). She closes herself in the bathroom, hoping to cause you to worry, hearing you beg for her to come out, enjoying your worry, finding pleasure in your distress. Then she figures you were punished enough, she comes out of the bathroom. A respite, then repeat.
Currently she tells you about her problems. But it was always about her problems, about her.
It is not easy, but you started doing it, started to make your life about you. There is a poem about mothers, saying we, her children, we come into the world through her, but we don’t belong to her. Strange how much of a stranger we are to our own mothers, isn’t it? Strange how blind a mother often is to her own child. Doesn’t even care to look, to see… while her child focuses on her mother, the mother doesn’t bother to notice that there is a person there. She doesn’t bother to see that there is a person there, not a thing to be used as an audience to her issues, to her anger, to her unresolved issues from long ago.
What do you think/ feel?