* Dear GL: I don’t see that word, the  p*&^, the word you asked the original poster to not use, I don’t see where  he  used it. The only place I see  this word on this thread is in your reply to him.

Dear Howard:

A summary of what  you shared: you are a man in your 50s. As a child, starting at the age  of nine, you were molested by a male  family friend. Your parents got divorced and used you as a pawn/ messenger in their long  bitter divorce process, maybe afterwards as well.

You mentioned that you suffer from self hate as a result of the molestation and you have taken full responsibility for the failure of two major relationships before meeting your wife as well as the trouble in your current marriage (“I’m the toxic side… being the toxic one”). You list the following as your inadequacies: inability to  speak up for yourself, being spineless, is the word you used, hiding financial mistakes you made, hiding financial problems, lying that they  don’t exist. You made many of your financial mistakes, if I understand correctly, trying  to please your wife, “this will make her happy”, overspending to the point of sometimes thousands of bills not being paid and almost-foreclosure, twice.

You wrote that you “pathologically avoid confrontation, hide problems, present  a shiny happy face until festering  issues blow up”.

You’ve been in serious counseling since February, ten months now, many of the  sessions attended with your wife. Your wife is angry with you for lying to  you about financial matters, and in the past, knowing of the  lies, enjoyed your distress and got some satisfaction “watching me squirm” when confronted with  the  financial mistakes and problems. She doesn’t respect  you, and you believe that her respect will be conditional, “waiting on me to behave differently  and consistently”. You wrote that her anger is about the  money wasted and “the  lack of intimacy, respect, conversation, etc that has  come about because of all this”.

My input: it is a good thing that you take responsibility for your contribution to the trouble in your marriage. Unless in your marriage you are indeed The Guilty One and she is The Innocent One, it  will be helpful if she takes  responsibility for  her wrongdoings in the marriage. Usually the two partners share  responsibility for the  success or the failure of a relationship.

I hope  you do build trust in yourself to behave differently no matter how scared you feel, that your wife is willing and  somewhat empathetic to you, and so, when you feel scared and  you feel like lying to her and hiding matters, that you will share how you feel with her and the  two of you decide what to do together.

I think that she has  to be  on top of financial matters in the marriage at this point, and not leave it up to you. Financial issues need to be arranged and  handled in such a way that  it is  impossible for you to  hide and lie.

Hiring an attorney/accountant to manage your marital finances may be a very good idea.

Healing from anxiety takes a long, long  time and a whole  lot of patience, no fast, easy and magical way  to do that. I hope you post again, anytime you’d like.

anita