Dear Howard:

I didn’t understand the  following sentence: “She’s admitted that over the past few years she’s  let me  get into money and other bad situations just so she  could have  the  thin satisfaction of watching me squirm”- can you give a couple of examples?

I understand that you are still seeing a therapist (?) and that you have made lots of progress.  I wonder  if the  therapist suggested having your wife participate in a few sessions, conducting couple therapy, and if such was suggested to her, what  was  her response.

You want your relationship with your wife to heal and I hope it does, I hope the two of you heal/continue  to  heal and to learn, changing behaviors that need to be changed, employing what my  therapist taught me as the principle of EAR in the  communication between the two of you: Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect.

I hope to read more from you when I am back to the computer in about fifteen hours.

anita

Dear Howard:

By “I was getting into financial/ hiding mistakes kinds of trouble”, you mean that you are unethical in the work place or in conducting  financial transactions?

I wonder if that is what she is waiting  on you for (“I think it’s her R that  needs the next attention, but that’s still conditional waiting on me to  behave differently and  consistently“)?

anita

First of all, how incredibly brave of you to even admit these things happen to you. It’s the first step.

I’d say, step by step things can get better. It will be an ongoing process, but if you are both committed you can do it.

One thing I do hear form your writing is how much you are angry with yourself for how the relationship has evolved. You’re taking responsibility for what happened and are taking steps to heal … the next step is to forgive yourself (IMHO).

And … as is something I talk about a lot … try to make art around it? Even if you don’t share it with anyone. Writing, shooting some pictures or a video/vlog, might make you blow off some steam. I make comedy videos based on my sketch comedy characters and it’s helped me through a lot of healing!

Dear Howard:

Reads to me that your wife left finances for you to take care of, that she did not deal  with that part and that  you were  overwhelmed with paying the bills as well as trying to please her with gifts and  such. I am not at all clear about the state of your relationship, the nature of the challenges there, but then, you may be clear about it yourself and if you are, you definitely don’t  need my clarity.

The title of your thread has  the word Healing  in it, and  I am all for healing.  If there  is any particular input you would  like, please let me know what it  is.  I wish you Healing and courage to continue to heal.

anita

* Dear GL: I don’t see that word, the  p*&^, the word you asked the original poster to not use, I don’t see where  he  used it. The only place I see  this word on this thread is in your reply to him.

Dear Howard:

A summary of what  you shared: you are a man in your 50s. As a child, starting at the age  of nine, you were molested by a male  family friend. Your parents got divorced and used you as a pawn/ messenger in their long  bitter divorce process, maybe afterwards as well.

You mentioned that you suffer from self hate as a result of the molestation and you have taken full responsibility for the failure of two major relationships before meeting your wife as well as the trouble in your current marriage (“I’m the toxic side… being the toxic one”). You list the following as your inadequacies: inability to  speak up for yourself, being spineless, is the word you used, hiding financial mistakes you made, hiding financial problems, lying that they  don’t exist. You made many of your financial mistakes, if I understand correctly, trying  to please your wife, “this will make her happy”, overspending to the point of sometimes thousands of bills not being paid and almost-foreclosure, twice.

You wrote that you “pathologically avoid confrontation, hide problems, present  a shiny happy face until festering  issues blow up”.

You’ve been in serious counseling since February, ten months now, many of the  sessions attended with your wife. Your wife is angry with you for lying to  you about financial matters, and in the past, knowing of the  lies, enjoyed your distress and got some satisfaction “watching me squirm” when confronted with  the  financial mistakes and problems. She doesn’t respect  you, and you believe that her respect will be conditional, “waiting on me to behave differently  and consistently”. You wrote that her anger is about the  money wasted and “the  lack of intimacy, respect, conversation, etc that has  come about because of all this”.

My input: it is a good thing that you take responsibility for your contribution to the trouble in your marriage. Unless in your marriage you are indeed The Guilty One and she is The Innocent One, it  will be helpful if she takes  responsibility for  her wrongdoings in the marriage. Usually the two partners share  responsibility for the  success or the failure of a relationship.

I hope  you do build trust in yourself to behave differently no matter how scared you feel, that your wife is willing and  somewhat empathetic to you, and so, when you feel scared and  you feel like lying to her and hiding matters, that you will share how you feel with her and the  two of you decide what to do together.

I think that she has  to be  on top of financial matters in the marriage at this point, and not leave it up to you. Financial issues need to be arranged and  handled in such a way that  it is  impossible for you to  hide and lie.

Hiring an attorney/accountant to manage your marital finances may be a very good idea.

Healing from anxiety takes a long, long  time and a whole  lot of patience, no fast, easy and magical way  to do that. I hope you post again, anytime you’d like.

anita