Anita, Axuda- thank you.

It’s helping to have someone, even pixels, to speak to right now.

I do think I need support from others, but my options are limited. I don’t have friends, none at all. I’ve suffered with depression since a preteen, not diagnosed until I was about 16, maybe older, but I knew it. I just didn’t know the name for it.

I’ve tried self help methods, but many paths seem to require a root cause, a specific reason to feel sadness, and there is no reason. I feel like I was born this way. I had no reason as a kid To feel sad, yet I did. I felt inadequate, judged, inferior to peers. When teachers handed out papers to the class, if there wasn’t enough for me, I thought they did it on purpose because it was me, and they knew id be the one to miss out. That I didn’t matter. And I was too shy to speak up, so idI just sit there teary-eyed and struggling.

Most of my adult problems have stemmed from failed relationships. I was raped by my ex at 19 years old, and never spoke out about it until a few years ago. I self blamed, thought maybe I exaggerated things, maybe I was victimimising myself; but it was what it was. Since then, there’s been more failures in relationships than I care to think about, and each time I feel more hurt, more disappointed in myself, gullible, weak etc.

The thing that hurts most at the moment is loneliness. I am so lost. Over the years I have pushed people away, struggle with social anxiety, been reclusive, convinced myself nobody likes me so deleted them off Facebook before they can do it to me, and now there’s just nobody left. It’s my own fault.

So now when I need help, I’m just looking into an empty room, thinking “well you created this”… ?

My girl and dog are my everything. I used to struggle when she visited her dad for a couple of nights, and i would drive to nowhere in particular just to escape being home alone. I began “playing” a stupid “game” where I’d drive as fast as I could with my seatbelt unfastened, testing fate…. This is the main reason I got my dog. He gave me reason to go home safely. To walk for miles with purpose… It’s been 2 and a half years since those days, but I’m finding my mind slipping back into that destructive thought process again. Of it being better to not be here. This time of year, birthday, Christmas, new year- where you’re supposed to be happy and surrounding yourself with family friends and joy; I find it the most difficult. The loneliest.