Dear Foxtree:

I would  like to wish you Happy Birthday, but it feels weird to wish you that reading how terribly sad and distressed you are on your birthday.

I didn’t understand this sentence: “Three nights ago inanimate objects got launched across the room”- can you explain it to me?

anita

Hi Foxtree

So sorry to hear how you are feeling – somehow a birthday magnifies everything, doesn’t it? Life beats us up and it always seems it must be our own fault – when every day is a struggle it’s only natural we feel like giving up sometimes.

But a birthday is also a good time to resolve to make a fresh start – to put the past behind you and start working on your future. You have made a start by sitting and posting this – you realise things have to change, but need some help and support in making it come about.

You have a little girl who loves you and just wants her Mum to be her Mum. At 9, she isn’t going to remember your birthday without some prompting, and she probably realises that something is wrong and isn’t sure how she should react. Kids often feel like they are to blame if a parent feels bad. Chances are she wants a hug, too. And maybe just a bit of your time.

Children and dogs are relentlessly positive. Watch your daughter out in the park with your dog and  I guarantee they will both be having a whale of a time with nothing more than a stick. And remind yourself that that is a scene that you have created. Without you, it couldn’t have happened. And that both of them love you unconditionally and totally, and want you to be happy.

Today is the day to resolve to make a better life for all of you. Your daughter wants a happy Mummy, so make sure you take time for you, and for her. Things won’t change overnight, but that’s OK – with just a tiny improvement each day you will feel vastly more positive by this time next year.

You have started the process by acknowledging things need to change. Resolve to get all the help and support you can – from friends, family, your daughter, your dog, a counsellor, this site – and you will make the coming year the best of your life.

It may not have been the happiest birthday, but I hope it at least becomes the most significant and important one for you – the one where your new life begins.

Good luck!

Also, whilst I re read your post, I too felt like I was depressed my whole life eg I felt more swriois and more cautious than other kids and rarely left and just wanted to be left alone. I felt so guilty and less than for not being care free and open and friendly. I always found life tough. I can empathise wigh the image of you sitting in class, struggling in silence. That was so unfair and must of been really tough for anyone, let alone a child. BUT in adulthood you DID soeak out about rape which is so brave and ao strong. Not everyone would of done that but you stood up for yourself and what was right. Thats huge!

I dont think we were born depressed. I think it relates to upbringing and how we were made to feel. This is positive in a way as it means there is hope for change.

Hi Foxtree

It’s interesting that people think there has to be a root cause for depression. Sadness and depression are two different things – in fact, depression can be defined as feeling down and sad with no particular reason No-one would ask “What is the root cause of your appendicitis?”. They would just treat it, and depression is no different.

In your case you have had some deeply unpleasant things to deal with. You have suffered at the hands of someone you once trusted, so it’s not surprising that you try to distance yourself  from people to prevent it happening again. It’s entirely natural that you feel the way you do. So forgive yourself for that. But, as you have discovered, it’s not a great long term strategy, so give yourself the time and the chance to sort it out.

You have taken the first step by seeking advice and help, and clearly understand that your life is your responsibility. But remember that taking responsibility is not the same thing as accepting the blame You are not to blame for everything that has happened to you, but you are responsible for what you do about it.

This was something that it took me a long time to understand. Like you, I was the sort of person who didn’t shirk responsibility. So for a long time I believed that everything that happened to me, no matter how awful, was somehow my fault. But that meant that I was also blaming myself for the outrageous behaviour of others. It’s one thing to acknowledge where you could have done things differently to secure a better outcome. It’s quite another to simply accept that it is your lot in life to be treated abominably.

I can also identify with the seat belt thing – I went through a stage of doing something similar. I think I was almost daring this bully called life, which had kept punching me repeatedly, to do its worst. Not the most sensible solution, but I suppose I felt I was fighting back. But soon I realised that there were better alternatives.

So many people in situations like yours never even dare to face up to it. They deny it with drink or drugs, or stay in abusive relationships. You are coming out fighting, and recruiting support to help you. That is how you will build a network of friends,maybe online at a distance at first, but you will win your battle, simply because you understand what you need to do. This site has a great many people who understand exactly how you feel, people who have been there and got through it. And before long, you will be on the other side of it, explaining to others how you did it.

One day at a time, you will get there, and your next birthday will be so much better.

Stay strong