Morning,

It was late when I got home last night and I was exhausted. Basically I don’t really know how the meetup went. I think I need to process it yet. On the surface it went fine. Better than fine in some ways. My ex and I laughed and joked like we always have and everything felt easy. It felt easy being in his company.

My therapist suggested not going into it with too many ideas of how exactly I wanted it to turn out so that’s the approach I took. I was funny and quick witted and mocked him a little at times for the way he deals with things and he laughed.

He seemed extremely worried about me and says he’s always available to talk to if I need to. We talked about family and things that have been happening in our lives and I think he felt terrible for me that there has been a few bereavements and upsetting events in my life since we split.

The moments where he opened up were few and far between. He could be laughing and joking with me one minute and then I ask him a serious question and his face changes and he went almost silent with a furrowed brow. He says everyone he knows has told him to cop on and that he’s made a mistake. His mum was extremely upset for a while when she found out we had split.

At the end of the day he admitted he wasn’t ready and he felt that being in a relationship was hard and he didn’t think it was meant to be that hard. He said the fact that he ended up ringing a psychologist in the final days of our relationship made him look back in hindsight and think ‘what on earth am I doing, making out there is a huge problem here when I’m just not ready’. He said that really made him question why he was doing all these things he didn’t feel comfortable with. He felt his time was no longer his own and that he wasn’t in control of things. I think that’s a big thing for him….control. Not unlike myself really. He said he felt pressure and didn’t like it. I explained that maybe there was pressure from me but that wasn’t unnatural in a relationship with a man I love for 4 years, it’s natural to want to move on. He said he knows that.

I asked him what he meant when he said he saw me in his future. He said he meant what he said. I asked, what does that mean and he replied ‘just what you said’…..I asked him was he speaking in riddles and he just shook his head and said no.

He said he has seen one or two of my family and friends around, at a distance.

He injured himself at work and had been in my neck of the woods for treatment over the past number of weeks. He said he was keeping his head down and just working for the past few months. He went abroad for a week but it rained every single day. He went to London for a show but when he got there his ticket was not valid…so I joked that these are all karma! Including his injury. He wondered if I had a baseball in my bag to tackle him.

I told him that it’s been hard for me and while I’m doing loads of things myself, I’m drained from thinking about him every day. He said he has been thinking about me every day too. He said he did what he thought was the right thing to do by breaking up with me and that it was the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. I asked him what would make him happy and he said he still doesn’t know. I asked did he want to live at home, did he want to change job, stay in job etc, what would make him fulfilled in life? He said he has no idea and can’t figure it out. I agreed that it can be very difficult to figure that out as I’m having the same difficulty to some extent.

I told him I deserve to live a life where I’m not drained and crying a lot and he agreed. I told him I feel what we had was special and that there were issues but I wouldn’t have stayed in it unless I believed we could work them out and that I value who I am. (Even if I don’t feel it right now!!) I told him that I get angry sometimes at what he has let go and that he’s an idiot.

Basically there was a lot of joking again etc and I tried to keep the tears at bay. (Public place) but they came out at times. He sat in front of me and I felt he was using restraint not to reach out and comfort me. I found it hard to be so close to him too. He said I look really good and I repaid the compliment. His pupils were dilated for the whole evening, but I bet mine were the same.

But all the good things, were peppered with the sad and heartbreaking sentences too. He walked me to my car in the rain and we hugged, I said I’d give him a kiss and he presented his cheek. He again said I can talk to him any time and I explained that that’s not really a possibility, he disagreed and I disagreed and he joked that I always have to have the last word.

When I got in my car, he asked if I wanted to speak to him over Xmas and I said I didn’t know and he said no problem, to have a think about it.

This morning, writing this all down, I don’t know what to think. Firstly, I didn’t get closure I guess, that’s my first assessment. I didn’t remember all the things I meant to ask him either, but my therapist said not to worry too much about that. Have I still some hope? Yes. So I guess the interaction didn’t help me in one way. I’m confused. I don’t know if he was trying to be his kind, gentleman type self and just worried about the impact his actions had on me or if he still has feelings for me. I got the sense he does, but nonetheless, not ones he’s willing to change his actions for, or I don’t know.

He said when we were hugging goodbye that he’s still working on trying to figure things out.

Sorry for the long post. It’s hard to condense three hours.