Dear meyerjg:

You wrote: “I’m deeply struggling with how to interpret everything. She’s still ‘here’ and hasn’t actually said she wants this to be over, only that she  doesn’t  know”-

This is my understanding  at this point: she is and has  been angry with you for a long time, has already settled  in her mind that she wants out of the marriage. She just  doesn’t know how to exit and she doesn’t have the courage to exit. She needs an  inspiration to fuel her exit and  she needs a plan.

Like you wrote, she is still here with quotation marks, “here”. But emotionally, she is there, gone from the relationship with you, this is why she has no interest in couple counseling or in your efforts to improve yourself and rekindle her interest in you.

“She wants to  find somebody who really knows her (she feels that I don’t) and inspires her”- she is there, with that “somebody who really knows her .. and  inspires her”. Only that somebody is  not in her life yet.

“She keeps brining up the inspiration thing”- she needs the inspiration to leave. Based on my understanding, it is not wise for you to try to rekindle her feelings for you (by sharing with her progress you make in therapy, giving  her flowers, scheduling date nights, etc.) These efforts only serve to repel her and  anger you. I would say, all  such efforts need to end.

As things  are, she  may feel in love with you again only if she gets scared about leaving, only if she  gives up on waiting  for that inspiration and that “somebody who really  knows her”.

What do you think so far about my understanding and this one suggestion? I have more but need your input.

anita