Hello,

Last December a coworker (Bex) expressed her feelings for me at the company holiday party. My coworker knew that was I in a committed relationship and felt the need to tell me her thoughts after a few drinks…

Let’s rewind to a few months before.

Earlier in the year, I had accepted a rather significant position with a company. One of the people I would start working with closely was a new girl named Bex. Bex was younger, energetic and very personable. At the beginning of this new working relationship, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. It was professional, concise and rather good. Her and I would accomplish a lot of things that the company had struggled to do for years. We were absolutely kicking ass. We would have fun, laugh and manage to finish all of our projects with rather great results. For months, we would just work and things would flow. We were a great team.

As Bex’s career would advance, she would become incredibly popular amongst the other employees. She was friendly, fun and just generally nice to be around. I started to really admire that trait.

Back to the Christmas Party..

Bex insisted that she walked me to my car when I was leaving the party. I was completely sober at the time and she was… she was.. well, the complete opposite. She was a few drink deep and most of the other employees were well aware of this.

At the time, I knew this wasn’t a good situation to be in. We had been making the occasional eye contact throughout the night, but this was not good. As we got to my vehicle, she told me about all of the feelings she had developed for me and for months now, she had been completely crushing on me.

I told her thanks, all I can give you is this (a hug and kiss on the cheek) and I went home to my girlfriend. When I got home, I felt like I had done something very wrong. (which is what happens next)

The next day Bex showed up at my office door with a slight smirk and an apology. She said she was sorry about what had happened and knew that she stepped over the line. I said everything was cool and not to worry about it. Little did I know that this was going to be the bugging of a 4 month rollercoaster.

A few days later I would take an overnight business trip to Florida. During my flight home I got a text message from Bex asking how the trip was going. The text message conversation would go on for the better part of my return flights home. The conversation started off friendly and simple but would eventually take a turn and start becoming more personal. We talked about relationships, feelings and so on. I would eventually tell her that it was incredibly difficult for me to just walk away from her at the Christmas Party. I liked her a lot. More than I had realized. All while my girlfriend was at home waiting for me at home.

The next few days at work became very interesting between Bex and I. We had our secret that nobody knew anything about. Here were two people who were crazy about one another just playing the game and acting like nothing was different. But it was, it was for me. It was very different for me. I had broken trust at home and was hiding it. I was living two lives. I would eventually continue texting Bex – even while I was at home. Playing this very dangerous game.  

For the first time in a long while, I felt Alive! Validated! Worthy! All while trying to juggle my infidelity with my partner. I would eventually make the first move and kiss Bex. I kissed her in my office the Monday after New Years. The sexual tension eventually got the best of me and I would crumble to it. I had just kissed one of the most beautiful women I had ever laid my eyes on. For the next few days, her and I would play this game of flirting, kissing, touching.  

One morning we deciding to meet up for coffee. It was an incredibly snowy day. One of those days where everyone was coming in to work late. We sat and drank a few cups of coffee together and went back to her place. For the next few hours we were all over each other. Very intense groping, kissing and so on.  We both knew we had to wait until I was out of my relationship for anything sexual. Eventually we had to go in to work. 

She lived about 3 miles from the office. The roads were relatively flat and I drove a Jeep. 

At this point I was on cloud 9. I felt invincible. Besides the fact that I just completely cheated on my girlfriend of 3 years.  

That’s when it hit me.

A telephone pole  

My car had slid off the road and wrapped itself around a telephone pole. The world physically came crashing down and if karma was represented as a 50 foot wooden pole, it had just hit me. I had just totaled my vehicle. I had just cheated on my girlfriend and at this moment, everything would change for me.  

I texted Bex and told her what had happened, she immediately called. She was crying and freaking out over what had happened. She said she was incredibly sorry for all of this and felt like it was her fault. I told her not to worry and this will sort itself out. Bare in mind I was an absolute mess at this point. I got to the office, shut my office door and started crying. What the f*** have I done? The HR manager would eventually dismiss the office due to the weather. 

I was able to borrow a company car to drive home. Upon my arrival at home I mentally and physically broke down. I broke down to my girlfriend and told her about everything that had been going on. At this moment, I felt like the universes biggest piece of sh*t. I betrayed my girlfriend – who bare in mind had loved and cared for me like no prior girlfriend. 

This is when it begins…

For the next 4 months, work would become an anxiety riddled place. My fears, trust and feelings would become a daily struggle. Bex and I’s relationship would become strained. This also included the productivity and significance of the projects we worked on. Some weeks would be good, some bad and some were absolutely terrible. We never really spoke about what had happened after that day.

Eventually my position (and I) would fall apart and I would leave to work for a different company.

Bex and I haven’t talked in 8 months.  

Here’s the catch: the company I work for now contracts my old company daily. I still see some of the employees. Every day, I still occasionally get the anxiety induced sinking feeling. I feel like I never escaped the burden of what I created for myself. It feels like I’m eventually going to be confronted with what happened (the only people who know are Becca, my girlfriend and myself) but yet I still go in to work fearing that someone is going to say something one day. 

The emotions I ran from at my last company are still very real and even though my amazingly awesome girlfriend is still being incredibly supportive about this whole thing, I know like I let her down and feel absolutely terrible about it. My days are filled with anxiety, depression and overthinking.  

I’m not sure if I should leave my current company and cut all ties to my last one to close the chapter. Even social media opens the flood gates when I see posts from ex coworkers.  

It’s been a year and I still feel terrible about everything and I really don’t know what to do.

Thoughts?

(Could an admin please delete my other post?)

Thanks