Dear anita,

your day sounds very nice. Good to hear that you are doing well.

Usually I don’t feel crazy when communicting with you. I also thought that all was o.K. with my therapist, but I got confused after the last session. Maybe it’s different, because I meet her in person, while I write to you. I think writing is easier for me, I can express myself better through writing. I don’t like to talk. Most of the time I feel like I don’t know what to say and people expect me to talk more, not be shy, say something interesting. But often I feel like the things I say are stupid, not interesting or that I share too much personal things.

I told my therapist a lot of personal things, like I told you here. But appearantly I didn’t tell her how I feel. I didn’t tell her that I wanted to talk about that topic. But I don’t think it wasn’t because I wasn’t open. The same thing happened, that happens with me in real life. I didn’t trust in my own feeling, my own needs and thought that she must know better.

Or maybe it was because I didn’t tell her in the next session, how depressed I got after that session. I only told her later, when she was asking me questions about therapy (I don’t remember what she asked specifically).

Once we also had made  a plan for me to document my work progress. But I didn’t really document it, I made a plan in my head and it also went quite well. I just documented it a few days later. But I didn’t tell her that I didn’t stick to our original plan. I wasn’t open and honest there.

In therapy somehow I got very nervous a few times. My voice got high pitched, I started to play with my pen. It also happens in real life, with K. it was especially bad. I felt so uncomfortable when I met him last week! With him I feel so inadequate. I just can’t imagine that someone could like me or love me or want to be with me. But in his case, I don’t think he is interested (anymore?).

I don’t want to do things just to please others anymore! I want to think more about what I want… People will not respect me and I will not respect myself, if I do anything that they supposedly want. I will only feel ashamed of myself, like I felt after my visit with K. I hope I can finally change that, but I wanted to change it before…

For the new year hope that I can value myself more and not let others take advantage of me or disrespect me. I rather want to take better care of myself…

You are right, my own self doubt will make it difficult for others to talk to me. I feel so unhappy with myself and am not relaxed when talking to people. I wish I could feel more o.K. with myself – but lately it feels like I get more and more insecure or that I’m doubting myself more.

Hopefully I can make progress in the new year. Sometimes I wonder if I should still post in this thread – the title seems so negative – not like a growth mindset at all…

Hope you have a good day today! Take care!