Dear want_to_be_a_better_person:

You shared that you have  been in a relationship for over ten years, and have children with a woman who is afraid to say No to her mother: “my partner is too scared to say ‘no’ to her mum- she will usually put her mum’s wishes before mine”.

Your relationship with your partner is good other than it suffers from your relationship with her mother, your partner is very upset about it. She is so upset that you are afraid that your relationship with her will not survive if you  “don’t start putting up and being nicer” to her mother.

Let’s look at her mother’s behavior as  I understand it: she usually excludes your side  of the family from family events on purpose, and when she does  meet them, she is  rude to them. She asks you a question like: how was your day, and almost immediately, she intentionally shows disinterest in your answer and ignores you. When in a group of people and you ask another person a question, she  intentionally interjects so to prevent the other person from answering you, so to purposefully isolate you in the group. She undermined the rules you set for your children.

On your part you minimized your conversations with her “and therefore minimize opportunities for being attacked”, you say hello and goodbye, and nothing much in between. In passive aggressive ways you made her feel uncomfortable “so she  doesn’t turn up unannounced”. This lead to her “even rejected  invitations for coming around when asked by (your) partner”.

You considered and/ or tried the following:

1. You put together a list of assertive responses for typical situations so that you are ready to “handle things ‘nicely'”, because you are “not quick thinking in verbal communication.. unable to assertively react to events/comments when they happen”.

2. “Sitting down and discussing the issues one-to-one” with her (your partner thinks it is a bad idea).

3. Showering her with kindness (unable to fake it)

4. Not be bothered by her behavior, having “the strength to be more accepting and let the things that would have previously irritated me to no longer stir up bad emotions and hostile responses” in you.

My input and suggestions: your partner is afraid of her mother and feels guilty. Her mother has lots of power over her daughter/ your partner and she is well practiced exerting her power successfully. Unlike you who needs to list assertive responses in advance, all her mother needs to do to reassert her power over her daughter is … to just be there. A facial expression or a certain something in the tone of her voice is all it takes for your daughter to submit to her.

There is just one thing a practiced person like this woman appreciates, from my  experience, and that is Power. Look at  your current situation of ten years, there is something in what you bring into the relationship with her daughter, that her mother appreciates, otherwise, she wouldn’t have allowed her daughter to be in a relationship with you. That something is your power.

Being nice to her, (you put nice inside quotation marks), is a mistake; it is giving away power, and the result would be, like you wrote, “our lives will be taken over”. The way to go is not to give up power to her, but to find out what power you already have and take it from there. Therefore I ask: what is that her mother appreciates, is it that  you are employed and bring money into the relationship and without you her mother would  have to financially support her daughter and grandchildren (something she can’t or doesn’t want to do)?

anita