Dear Cali Chica:

“So I would come across something. Say- ‘oh look at her she doesn’t feel the need to go out on a Friday she seems comfortable staying in and relaxing in her own company. ‘I should do that. I should be like that.”-

– used to have this misunderstanding, that because another person did not have my specific distressing pathway (or set of pathways) it meant that she was healthy. Not so,  she has  her own distressing pathways that I don’t have. For example,  in your observation of the woman who seemed  comfortable staying in Friday night while you were too distressed to do the same, it may be that she stayed in getting drunk Friday night, preferring to do so alone, feeling  comfortable anticipating  being  alone, drinking, and not having anyone telling her not to drink.

Millions of people have millions of combinations of pathways, many of which create distress and  dysfunction in multiple ways, endless combinations of pathways.

“Who I truly am is buried in the frenzy… buried in the dust”- an excellent description to what happens when fear is so strong in us. We live in a frenzy and  dust disrupts our vision.

“Interestingly, my father’s biggest gripe about  me was  exactly this- I never take the time to  do things, I am always rushing”- he was able  to see the result of his actions (his  part  for causing your rushing as a way of life), but not his  actions. This is very common, parents criticizing their children, minor and adult, for all kinds of supposed character faults that really are the results, or consequences of their own actions.

And we do criticize each other, other people for character faults that were born as unavoidable  consequences of their early experience, their parents’ actions.

“Perhaps the  definitions have to change”- yes they have  to, should change. Lots of badness of people’s behaviors is about the adult  child still trying to be a good daughter to … a bad parent. Your mother when teaching you to hurt your future husband, was bad for teaching you that.

I wish you a good, hot cup of tea this New Year Day.

anita