Dear anita,

no, sex didn’t feel comfortable, I didn’t enjoy it. Enjoyed it when he held me during the night or took my hands or kissed my forehead. But I wasn’t so comfortable with the sex. It was more about pleasing him. I worried even that if I didn’t seem like I enjoyed it, he would be displeased and so I felt stressed. The last time we only had oral sex (only for him though) and I was thinking: I hope it’s over soon, I feel like a whore and I hope he comes quickly. After I returned home, I felt bad and confused. And I told him it was nice seeing him, to make him feel good I guess. But I think he didn’t buy it.

It’s better it’s over, I think. Only the call confused me. I wanted to finally have a more open and honest conversation, but I felt guilty afterwards, but is it only because I always feel guilty? He acted like it was a serious relationship and said he was sorry, that he didn’t want to hurt me, that it was his fault. I ended up writing him messages that he should not blame himself, that he shouldn’t say he’s guilty and that it was only the circumstances. Now I kind of wonder, if he only wanted to present himself as the good guy? Also acting like I had unreasonable expectations (when my expectations were very low)? His actions tell a different story than his words, I think… He almost never messages me, but when I’m with him, he takes phone calls or texts with other people. I think his argument that he doesn’t have time doesn’t make much sense. It’s not like expect lengthy phonecalls every day. I don’t know am I too wary? Or does he think I’m stupid? Maybe I’m stupid for taking this seriously, for ignoring the warning signs and my own feelings.