Kkasxo,

Okay, so take a break. From the analysis, from the pain, from everything. I think you deserve a break, if only for 15mins. Focus on your work and say when thoughts about the situation crop up, “not now”. It doesn’t mean you won’t think about it later, but it’s a lot to take in right now and there is no point spiralling.

I can understand that you feel the two of you are in your own world, connected by trauma. But actually maybe it’s time to widen that circle. Other people can actually help you heal. Your therapist, your support system, it’s actually not true that you need each other, believe it or not, it may feel like that of course, I understand, but that’s because ye have kept it to yourself.

Take for example an abusive relationship – just as an example. I asked my therapist before why I can’t manage more self esteem and walk away. He says he has had the most beautiful inteelingent women in the world come to him for help after their partners beat them around the house but they STILL love them and can’t imagine leaving them. Love is love, whatever attachments it may create. However he would explain that those women don’t need their partners to get through the period, although, they would argue that they do and they are not responsible for helping their partners get through obvious massive issues either.

Of course, it’s not a comparison on par with your situation, but my therapist just explains that even women who are being physically abused find it difficult to let go of someone they love or loved.

If you want a totally objective view and remember, I will support ANY path forward you take, but I think it’s not good for you in the long term to be in contact or have anything to do with him for the moment. I think your life would change if you could achieve stability and contentment on your own first. Not to say, ye can’t reunite in the future, but imagine spending your whole life depending on another person to exist or survive. That’s going to always create anxiety in the sense that you know you are tethered to someone to survive, who can always leave, die, etc and then you’re shattered again. There would always be a subconscious anxiety there.

These are all just some points while I’m in a rational frame of mind, but it doesn’t usually last long!!! I massively want to get back with my ex still but I do have the caveat in the background that I would like to be self sufficient before I do so I don’t fall apart again if it happened again.

At this point, maybe you could speak to family. Tell them you’re struggling, you’d be surprised who steps up. Also, ask your therapist to give you coping tools too, not just analysis. And hopefully that will give you a compass.

Well done for getting to work, I’m in a meeting all morning, but at least it’s a distraction!