Hi Anita,

Thank you for your kind words. We have actually been able to talk a little in the last few days, and he unloaded (or at least it felt like he did) a lot of feelings and thoughts with me. He told me how it had felt all those times for me to be talking about my past and exes (especially the one, in particular, I started this thread about) and how he tried to shove his negative feelings down at the time to help me, but eventually, they all bubbled up to the surface. You asked what I would do differently if he were to give me a chance, and there are a few things.

1. I would never bring up my past to him again, I see how horrible it was for me to have done that and I will never do that with him or anyone else again,

2. I will listen more to what he shares with me, be more present and aware and modify behaviours that are upsetting him in the moment,

3. focus more on meeting his needs in the relationship rather than worrying if he is meeting mine all the time.

I think that would be a good place to start, and I am trying to do this now. However, I noticed as soon as we were able to talk again, that it was seeming like he was thinking about giving me another chance, the negative emotions I experienced when I first started this thread started to sneak in again. It seems like whenever I am getting closer to my current partner again, the thoughts of my past and the past relationship I wrote about seems into my mind again. I do not understand why this keeps happening, why my current partner seems to have the effect on me of bringing about regrets from my past.

When I really try to feel and process these ugly emotions, there are a few things that come to mind. First, I felt extremely passionate and attracted to my past ex, I think in many ways he ways my type physically and personality-wise. Secondly, there is a horrible feeling of regret for my emotionally volatile behaviour (which I think was exacerbated by his inability to fully commit after his divorce), and the pain of him leaving me once and for all for someone else (whom I believe he is still currently dating,  years later).

I tend to be very nostalgic by nature, and often look back at the past much more fondly than I do my present or future. When I remember being with my previous partner, I remember being happy, fulfilled, understood, attracted to someone, and content. I know there were many moments with this past ex that I did not have all those good feelings (ex. when he would talk to his ex wife, when he told me he just wasn’t ready to call me his girlfriend, etc.) but I think I really thought at the time somehow that we could make it. My friends and family say that the relationship was likely doomed since we met before he was even officially divorced, but somehow I blame myself completely for the demise. I feel in my heart of hearts if I had been managing my emotions better, dealing with the traumas of my past, that our relationship would have still continued to this day. But then again, I remember the first time he broke up with me was 4 months into us dating. I persistentally asked for another chance, to try to take things slow, and eventually he took me back. Perhaps it wasn’t that I was resonsible soley for the demise of the relationship, but maybe I was for it to have continued as long as it did.

I know I should not be thinking about this at all anymore, especially since my current partner seems to be open to giving us another chance. But it is so, so odd that I feel every step forward I take, there are a few steps back to follow. I don’t know at this point if I just haven’t met my person yet, or if it is my traumatized mind that clouds all judgement. I think my current partner is a much better match for me in many ways than the previous, but I can’t say that it feels as good. But perhaps what feels good to me, is a reflection of what felt good to me as a child, and the relationship I had with my mother.

To make matters more complicated, I am so unsure where I want to settle down and build my roots geographically. My business is doing quite well here in my hometown in Canada, but I still can’t shake the feeling like it isn’t the best city for me (short of having my family and friends here). That being said, I don’t know that Switzerland, where my partner lives, is the best place for me either. As I approach 30 in March, I can’t help but feel I am running out of time to make these big decisions if I want to start a life and famly with someone in the near future. It all feels very overwhelming at times, and I find nothing feels just quite right.

– L