Dear laelithia:

Regarding your first paragraph, it is not relevant to your problems in life that your mother experienced traumas in her life before you were born and what motivated her to behave with you the ways she did. What is relevant is this: “She would leave, or she would dismiss or ignore me”.

And that this very experience is what you have experienced with men: “Not unlike how I feel presently, with the ex of 2 years ago”: you tried to stop him from leaving, tried to make him not “dismiss or ignore (you)”, insisting that he doesn’t, being “very pushy”.

The fact that your current boyfriend, just like the first one with whom you lived with, purchased a home with, is financially responsible is not an attraction for you. I think that what attracted you to your ex of two years ago is that he was less available than the first boyfriend and the current one. It is his stated unavailability that turned you on, reactivated those “core wounds”, the hurt and the old desire to no longer be w0unded, to bring, you wrote: “the end to my suffering that started when I was a child”.

You asked, “how can I move on, forgive myself and my mother”- before attempting to answer this, I ask:

1. Did your mother ever suggest to you that she wronged you?

2. Did you ever communicate to your mother that she wronged you?

anita