BB,

Frequently us humans are irrational so using rationality, i.e. reasons, facts, and so forth will not work in changing someone else’s mind or behavior.

You wife has fears and hopefully therapy will uncover and address them.

Her controlling behavior may shed some light on what contributes to her fear of having children, i.e. being out-of-control.  Control means safety.

Her extreme reaction of the fear of being abandoned is another pointer of where her fears lie.  I believe you mentioned how her mother left her with babysitters which may be the source of that fear.

Having children may mean that she no longer can control her world since children really turns it upside down. As the surprise baby of the family, she was left in a world that she had even less control over since her mother was not there to be with her. Having children may mean that she will be “abandoned” and the children will take her place, as she told you.

Mark