@Valora,

Yeah, I know you’re right. It’s a shame that he’s doing what he’s doing and I know in my head that I need to take this time to focus on myself…easier said than done, you know? I have some days I really feel like I’m doing well, keeping my mind off him, not trying to constantly make sense of things, and actually find joy in some of the activities/interactions I’m having. Then there are those bad days, those take a toll on me and tend to knock me back pretty far. Regardless, I know I’ve come a ways from where I was when this all started, but those hard days…they’re tough.

@Mark,

Thanks for clarifying, that makes a lot more sense. I guess I didn’t consider moving forward with things as forcing him to accept this as reality, too. I know I need to take that next step to get the ball rolling, it’s incredibly hard for me. As I mentioned above, in my head, it’s pretty clear most of the time, but my emotions through this certainly get the best or me more often than I’d like to admit and prevent me from taking the steps I need to be taking.

@Brandy,

Thanks for your response. It is tough and I’m trying to make sense of it all. I think trying to make sense of it is part of what is holding me back. I’m a relatively analytical person and I have a tendency to over analyze every situation…no matter what part of my life. I always want to be able to find a reason for why something happened and I need to remember that I can’t read someone else’s mind nor am I ever going to know more of what they’re thinking than they are. I still don’t think he’s a bad person, I think he’s bad at dealing with things when they get hard. That’s a huge flaw, don’t get me wrong, but I do think that if he puts the time in to deal with his problems, that he could be the person that I know him to be. That being said, he’s the only one who can make that decision. If I sit around and wait for him to do something he may or may not do – I’m wasting my life. Only time will tell what happens in the end of this all, I know that I’ll always love him in some way. I really, truly think he’s a good man, but one who doesn’t know how to deal with his problems and when the going gets tough, he runs or numbs or whatever to not deal with his internal issues.

@Anita,

You may be right. I do think he has a pretty good relationship with his parents – I’ve never felt that it was too strained for him. I’ve been close with his parents and his family for a long time, but we physically have seen them more since moving back east, of course. I do know that he has always talked to his parents with some kind of filter – to this day, I don’t think they know how deep of a hole he was in after his brother passed away. I do think he’s using his new girlfriend as a buffer, a way to distance himself from his past life. Whether that’s his family, himself, whatever – I do think that she’s a “getaway” of sorts for him. I think this experience has opened my eyes that he still has lot of growing up to do and I don’t think he wants to do that. I think he still has this wanderlust and desire to have some kind of impermanence. I do think all of the very permanent things that happened in his life (really our life) is what threw him for a loop. At the end of the day, I understand that no matter how much I psychoanalyze him, it’s not going to get me anywhere. As I mentioned above, it’s just incredibly hard for me to get my head and my heart on the same page to do what’s best for me. I like to think I’m making some progress, but going back to being my own biggest critic – I feel like I should be further along than I am…