Dear Janus, Earth Angel:

I was surprised to read that you have a class as late as 8 pm- 9:40 pm (Chemistry 2 lab)! That is very late into the night, for me.

You described the anxiety of gender dysphoria draining your energy, interfering with your concentration, causing you to miss a class or an assignment, lower grade, which in turn  increases your gender dysphoria thoughts and anxiety, and panicking regarding your future if you fail to earn a degree, not being able to get a good job and pay for the medical transitioning you are planning on having.

This is the nature of anxiety, it starts small and uses everything close by as fuel as it grows bigger and bigger, like wildfire. Catastrophizing is part of that wildfire nature of anxiety- one failure (one lower grade) becomes a lifetime failure (failure to earn a degree and unemployment).

It takes persistent practice to slow down that wildfire, to contain it and it is possible to do so. Remember that fear feels as badly as it feels not because the fear itself is dangerous, but because the function of fear is to alert us to what really is dangerous, for example, a predator. The fear an animal feels is experienced as danger, that is why the animal will run or fight as hard and fast as it can. But again, the fear itself is not dangerous.

Try to remember this as you experience the fear. As distressing as it feels, it will not kill you, you will be okay, just as you have been so far.

I learned through communicating with you that gender dysphoria is body dysphoria focused on gender. What it means to me is that as I understand it, most young people and many older people are distressed about their bodies, unhappy about it for one reason or another. And so, you really are not alone. Millions of young people try desperately to change the look of their bodies, to lose weight, to gain muscle and so many go for plastic surgeries and proceedings, to reshape their nose or chin and remove belly fat to  place it elsewhere and so  on and on.

Be as patient as you can be about your body/gender dysphoria. It will not be resolved anytime soon whether you get a good grade in a particular assignment or not. With best grades, it will  be years, so patience, best you can.

Lower your anxiety best you can, assert yourself with friends, don’t post inspirational things if posting those encourage friends to think that you are more available than you are to help them. Focus on helping yourself, focus on what you need right now, at any part  of the day, see to  it that there is peace in your mind, not war.

Patience, Janus. Contain the anxiety, calm it again and again. I do hope you feel  better soon!

anita