Dear anita,

I have no more regrets about ending it. And I don’t feel sorry for him or worry about him anymore. But I have other regrets. I am angry at myself for being so blind, for assisting him in mistreating me. For a long time I was very convinced, that he was honest. That there must be something wrong with me. But a good person wouldn’t treat you like this.

Sadly I have very little experience with men. For a long time, I wasn’t even able to speak to them. There was only the experience with the man in the dormitory. Other than that, no experiences. Compared to him, K. treated me better. But there was no high bar there…

For now, I will focus on myself. Not see any men. Hopefully I will feel better with time. I already started to feel better before he called me again. But I learned a lot during this call, so it was worth the pain. It brought me clarity!

From now on, I will observe people’s behavior better. It is my resolution to be on my own side more. Of course, still reflecting about my behavior, but try not to overdo this. Take on responsibility for my own mistakes, but not the mistakes of others. Not let people disrespect me. I have a lot to learn, but I think I took the first steps in the right direction with ending this… I also blocked him on social media and don’t want to hear of him ever again!

Regarding my flatmates: I usually want to be respectful and be nice to everyone. But sometimes I might overdo this, and then it will seem strange. And when I worry about what others think of me, always suspecting that they don’t like me, of course it will show. I get nervous and then I make them nervous or uncomfortable too. I am socially awkward. Social competences is another big thing I need to work on.

Most likely people don’t even think or care about my problems. Somehow I have this obsession with what others will think of me. The fears are very unrealistic! I find lots of reasons why others might be upset with me and many of them are not true to reality. Every little thing I do would be a reason for them to criticize me. Even things that I did not do! What if they thought this of me? Or that? This is how my mind often goes… It makes my life miserable. And people have their own problems to worry about, they likely don’t care about mine.

What helped me before was to go out more, do things that calm me down. To occupy my time with things that will improve my life. Go for a walk, meet a friend, work, study… Then I will think less and less about what others will think.

Your idea of writing parts of our conversation down could be helpful. Maybe I will make a list, or buy a notebook for this.

Hopefully I will make more and more progress. I want to change and better myself. At least I am self aware (I hope) and willing to learn.