Dear anita,

thank you for your help and always replying to me. Most people would only judge and look down on me.But you actually took the time to try to understand and help me. Really thank you!

Good to hear that your foot is better now! Hopefully the weather will get better too and you can go out for your daily walks again!

Today I also went for a walk by the river. It is a nice springlike day. I even collected some shells and the sounds of the waves reminded me of the ocean. At the moment, going for walks really helps me to calm myself down. I want to do such things that make me feel better. Now I want to study for a while and later go to Yoga class.

The idea of using guided meditations sounds good. I found some on youtube, I can try and see if there are helpful ones there. Or maybe there are some at the library or I can ask my therapist. Maybe she knows of something. Do you know how the author of those you used was called?

I am not scared of my own thoughts though. The thoughts of other people about me scare me. And I realize already, that it doesn’t make sense! For example, I am scared if one of my neighbours overheard something of my phone call with K. and now thinks badly of me. Because, of course I responded to the weird things he said, repeated some of those things in a question. It was a weird conversation and I was confused. But why do I care??? I don’t even know my neighbour, they don’t know me. Most likely they don’t care so much. And they don’t know the whole story. But I know that I have ended it, while he wanted to continue this. I know that honesty is very important to me, while he was not honest. I know that I had no bad intentions, that I only hoped to be with him… I know that I made mistakes (which were no doubt stupid), but that I really want to change and learn from those mistakes. But somehow the actual truth becomes less important than some supposed thoughts of a stranger.

What you wrote is true though, I need to learn to be no longer scared of their (imagined)  thoughts and judgements. For a start I try to do other things, occupy myself. But I am also hiding myself, which is likely not so good. Still, I feel a lot of shame for not making good choices and being naive…

But I also try to tell myself that I am still learning. I try to be more compassionate with myself. The problems I have, I have them because nobody was trying to understand me while I was growing up. Somehow there was this conclusion by grown ups that I am difficult and problematic. I did not fit into their narrow expectations and so I was judged. Of course, I don’t want to make this a lifelong excuse to rest on. I want to work to not make the same mistakes again and better myself. But it also explains why I might need some more time for everything compared to others… I want to be more patient with myself and not judge myself so much.