Hi Anita,

Thank you for your fast and thoughtful reply. My father said something similar to me regarding my unhappiness and said that he sees someone just as deserving of compassion and empathy and that I need to give that compassion and empathy to myself.

I don’t know how to do that, how to convince myself that I’m just as deserving. I get so frustrated with feeling like I have to care about so many people, and I do care about them, but at the same time, I don’t want to. I don’t know how to stop the stories in my head, which I’m planning on getting help with. Made-up stories of people who may be suffering, true stories of my suffering… It’s hard to change that narrative.

And I’m just afraid of people. Physically afraid, for some reason. Taking a self-defense class that I thought would ease this has heightened this. My mother was a verbal abuser, not physical towards me or my brother. But her presence and energy were enough to make us always walk on eggshells.

Of course, there are many complex dynamics and layers that I probably have not even seen to this, but I do forgive my father for not leaving. Being away at school and going through this hard time, I’ve been leaning on both of them. The distance from my mother helps, and we manage to have better interactions while I’m here.

One of the major feelings, in addition to depression and anxiety, has been acute loneliness. And this is sometimes lifted, but rarely. One of my main goals has been to open up to people more. But like you said, our world is on the surface and people don’t usually go deep into love and feelings, so I rarely do this.

I am independent, I can be alone and read or watch a tv show or listen to music and be fine. But of course, there is always that part that wants more and who doesn’t want to be so good at being alone.

Thank you for listening and reading my story Anita. I’m looking forward to hearing more of your insights, and hopefully others’ too. Namaste.