Hi Anita,

Thank you for your fast and thoughtful reply. My father said something similar to me regarding my unhappiness and said that he sees someone just as deserving of compassion and empathy and that I need to give that compassion and empathy to myself.

I don’t know how to do that, how to convince myself that I’m just as deserving. I get so frustrated with feeling like I have to care about so many people, and I do care about them, but at the same time, I don’t want to. I don’t know how to stop the stories in my head, which I’m planning on getting help with. Made-up stories of people who may be suffering, true stories of my suffering… It’s hard to change that narrative.

And I’m just afraid of people. Physically afraid, for some reason. Taking a self-defense class that I thought would ease this has heightened this. My mother was a verbal abuser, not physical towards me or my brother. But her presence and energy were enough to make us always walk on eggshells.

Of course, there are many complex dynamics and layers that I probably have not even seen to this, but I do forgive my father for not leaving. Being away at school and going through this hard time, I’ve been leaning on both of them. The distance from my mother helps, and we manage to have better interactions while I’m here.

One of the major feelings, in addition to depression and anxiety, has been acute loneliness. And this is sometimes lifted, but rarely. One of my main goals has been to open up to people more. But like you said, our world is on the surface and people don’t usually go deep into love and feelings, so I rarely do this.

I am independent, I can be alone and read or watch a tv show or listen to music and be fine. But of course, there is always that part that wants more and who doesn’t want to be so good at being alone.

Thank you for listening and reading my story Anita. I’m looking forward to hearing more of your insights, and hopefully others’ too. Namaste.

Hi…

I hope someone sees this. I haven’t logged on to tiny buddha in over a year.

Anita, I know you’ve helped me in the past, and I see you’re still active. You made some observations that have helped in the past, and I think part of the reason I left tiny buddha so abruptly is because you made some observations I wasn’t ready to see. I still am so thankful for your care and concern, and I’m hoping you can help again. (Please read above if you need a refresher, whoever is reading this and wants to know the backstory :).

So I moved back home, and am no longer away at school. My depression got too bad. I couldn’t do it, and a lot has happened between now and then. Long story short, I’m living with my mother during this pandemic. My father is still going to work every day despite 10 confirmed cases of coronavirus because he “has to” because he’s a VP. I would think this means you can work from home so your daughter (me) doesn’t have to have her home displaced and live with her abuser. But here we are.

My mom has been working from home, and I am completing my degree from home (I graduate in 4 weeks with my bachelor’s degree in English).

Things have been going okay all things considering. We get along, I’m even enjoying her company, and this is very conflicting for me in terms of what she has done in the past. And she believes, whole-heartedly, that my father and I were always against her, and “abused” her, but this was and is NEVER true. She likes to be angry and play the victim, even now, over a year after the divorce, 3 years of separation, and a marriage of dysfunction later. I was never allowed to show anything besides positive emotions.

What I’m trying to say is that here I am in my abuser’s home during covid-19, on the east coast, and I feel trapped again. I feel trapped in pointless school work, this house, and my circumstances. I’m 21 and I can’t remember a time in my life where I didn’t feel trapped. I’ve been working with an amazing therapist weekly for about 6 months and I know I’ve made progress, but social distancing has made me feel like I took ten steps back. I am still looking at jobs and trying to look towards the future, but everything seems so uncertain.

My wish is to go to a job I at least like every day and come home to a studio apartment. I want to make friends and maybe engage in a romantic relationship, which I was just trying to cultivate before social distancing started. That in itself was a huge deal for me as someone who was so enmeshed in the family that I never could see past my parents’ dysfunction and need for parenting to grow up as myself.

This comes back harder on some days than on others. Right now it’s hitting hard. My mom plays the victim and it’s so hard for me to stand it. I want to scream and throw things and exhibit the anger I feel so deeply that I was and am never allowed to show, because I’ve had to live with these people (my parents) my whole life.

As a middle class white female who is physically healthy and privileged, all I want is that dream of a job I like and a door I can lock and a life I can be in charge of. From there, I want to build my own family.

Almost daily I’d say I amaze myself with how well I cope when I look back on all I’ve been through. Part of that is thanks to a recent medication I think, but still.

I guess I’m looking for a reason to keep believing in my dream and any advice in continuing to live with my abuser who sees things in such a skewed way. I am talking/digitally dating two men through this, one of which I started seeing before the pandemic got really bad. Let’s call him A, and he has been very helpful. He knows the highlights of my past, but I feel like he doesn’t know the depths. I feel this pressure to be positive around him, because that’s how he is. And I’m trying not to go back into my codependent or parentified ways and change or “save” him, because he has his own issues. Anyway, I’ve tried to talk to him about it and he says he knows it’s “difficult,” and that’s hard for me to hear amidst everything.

Does anyone have any insight or advice regarding my situation? I am just sitting in these emotions, and while it’s difficult to put this out into the world, I know I’ll feel more connected and less alone. I’m very tired and don’t know what else to do.

Thank you.

J

Anita,

Thank you so much for reminding me that none of this is my fault, and that what needs to be done right now is to take care of myself the best I can.

When you mentioned that I ask my father to rent a studio apartment out for me this weekend, my eyes grew wide with a smile on my face, because you reminded me that I deserve to have a safe place one day!! The feeling was incredible. Unfortunately, it is not possible right now to have that. Financially speaking it’s not an expense that can be spared right now. But, something I do to help myself believe in the future is look for and apply to jobs, look at apartment listings in places I might be able to live, and plan for the future.

Planning for the future in my past consisted of planning for next school year, but this year I’m graduating (in 3 weeks!) so the future I’ve always wanted is just out of reach. I kept hoping that I’d get a job and an apartment right after graduation, but I’m not sure if that will happen for sure, and hopefully in the next few weeks I’ll at least be able to live with my dad, which is a bit better than living with my mom.

Thank you for objectively showing me that I only have so much control… barely any, over my past situations and now. It’s so hard to be as aware as I am of things and remember that I don’t have much control or say.

As to your last question, I think my father is a workaholic who cannot say no to my mother and has almost no healthy boundaries. I don’t know why he still goes to work when others’ are working from home (he tells me he “needs to” because his workers he’s responsible for are there) which is “noble” but also silly and unnecessary; not to mention insulting to me, and extremely displacing for me. I have not felt close to my father in years, and at this point in my life I am close with people I chose to be close with, such as my amazing friends and coworkers at the independent bookstore I’ve worked at since high school, and my two aunts with whom I am very close with. They are my true family.

And in the spirit of knowing I am deserving, perhaps I’ll give them a call and talk to them, at least to remember I am not back in time with no one to really turn to.

My therapist believes my father is working despite the danger so that he can have some attention on himself, and I don’t know how true that is or not. I believe he’s being selfish for sure, but I don’t know why. I’ve learned to try not to put so much energy into figuring it out because it’s how things are unfortunately.

How are you doing anita? You’re like the angel of tiny buddha, and I hope you are okay in this moment.

Thank you for your kindness and willingness to listen, I look forward to talking with you more.

J

Anita,

I like how you make the intentional decision to wait relaxed instead of waiting anxiously. That can be difficult but worth it, and I know you can do it!

To your last question, yes, my mother’s attention, to him, is worse than the virus. Most definitely.

I am officially graduated! But there are new things to worry about, like an internship trip to San Diego falling through and applying for jobs, that I am trying to surrender to.

I am also trying to surrender to this new relationship in my life. I started seeing someone (potentially seriously, we’re not exclusive) for the first time in my life in February, and then the virus happened. Things are going really well, but because of social distancing, intimacy and relationship progression is stunted a bit in terms of hugging, kissing, holding hands, and being in the same room as each other and getting a feel for each other’s energy and lives. I am still fairly guarded but I really like him. However, I have been having these intense feelings of loneliness, probably because of the distance I feel with this new person, let’s call him C. And this loneliness is causing me to think of reaching out to someone who had an interest in me last fall, let’s call him E, because of his guaranteed acceptance and like of me, the fact that he lives next door and C lives over an hour away, and the fact that I probably could gain some of the closeness I so acutely miss from C’s absence.

I really am sad and mad at myself for thinking this way, because these are people and not pawns for me to get me needs met by. I still feel guilty and I don’t even know why I’m thinking about E because I haven’t in months, not like that. I’ve just been feeling very unstable; like I’m on shaky ground. And I don’t know why. The newness of possibly my first serious relationship? Wanting touch? Wanting stability and security? And E is right next door while C is near the epicenter of the virus and I did tell him how lonely I’ve been and we’ve been talking more, but I don’t know how to get these conflicting thoughts and feelings about E out of my head. I even spoke to my therapist about it and I felt I didn’t really get anywhere. That’s why I’m really trying to surrender because I think I’m feeling this stress physically and I just don’t want to deal with it in addition to starting a new job and a new internship.

I apologize if this is too much! You’ve helped me in the past and I want to give you all the information.

It was foolish of me to think I’d feel much better once school ended, because I’m thrust again into uncertainty (with a lot of other people though) and I’m still not where I want to be. But that’s the journey I suppose?

I’m trying to surrender also because I’m very emotionally tired and am trying to give myself a break even though I can’t stop thinking and am very restless. Any advice?

Thank you Anita. I hope you have someone in your life and/or in this community to help you like you help the participants here!

I’m not quite sure what to do except have faith in the future and try to surrender to the present moment. On the surface, life is good… I might know where these feelings come from, in terms of my mother and childhood, but I don’t know what to do about them. Any advice or response is appreciated.

Much love,

J