Dear Christina,

I hope this situation of yours has already been resolved, but if not, then there is something about the situation that is questionable. From what you’ve written, your ‘act’ of kissing a friend of your boyfriend’s on NYE had shamed you into questioning your loyalty to your boyfriend, but your boyfriend thought it was no harms done. You were only doing it in the spirits of the holiday, what was bad about that? But there’s not much information to go on from that since a person’s character can’t be determined from the across the keyboard so there’s only a series of questions that might be helpful in this situation.

Were you ever shamed by people for being a ‘slut’, ‘bitch in heat’, ‘tart’, ‘vamp’, ‘tramp’ and other less than desirous nouns? Being shamed like that can leave serious trauma which causes people to be extra loyal to romantic partner and try to keep minimal contact between them and other people less they were seen as being slutty.

Were you taught that a girlfriend should never touch another male intimately, say, kissing them, even on the cheek, because that’s a serious breach of conduct as a good girlfriend? That teaches girl that they should never engage in contact with other males unless it’s their boyfriend and maybe family, but if they do, then they should be ashame for doing so. Questionable morals and all.

Is your boyfriend somehow pressuring you to be loyal to him because his ex cheated on him? Or did you take his past as an exercise in caution to never, ever betray him by touching someone else intimately, putting the onus on you to never cheat. Thus making yourself responsible for the fact that your relationship might head south should you ever engage in any questionable act, even when drunk. So when you do breach the boundaries of your responsibility in any ways, you are then the bad person in the relationship. That’s a very heavy responsibility which you’ve linked to your self identity.

Basically, there is a certain shame that you’ve linked to yourself in that should you do something promiscuous, even when it’s innocent as a kiss on the ear, that might threaten your relationship in any way, then you are a bad person and should be ashame of yourself. Where that shame comes from is determined in what you were taught as child to teen to adult. Society tend to demoralized females in showing their sexuality in any way so it’s not common to find a lot of females who feel ashamed being sexual since people have shamed them, figuratively and literally, for being sexual. Families and friends also has no qualm about shaming their daughters/friend about their sexuality so you’re not alone if that has ever happen to you. But it’s a teaching to examined closely since it’s detrimental to your emotional health if you keep feeling ashamed, as if you are a slut, every time you do something as innocent as giving a friend a friendly kiss yet deem it as promiscuous.

Good luck.