Back then the goal used to be to secure the best future possible – a good job – for which I had to graduate from a good college – for which i had to get really good 10th and 12th marks along with doing well in college entrace exams.

I think from 6th through 8th – i used to study really hard – i have mentioned my mother said i was on my own – but somehow i wasn’t looking that far into the future – i just knew i had to do well – that was the right thing and i worked for it. I used to feel really ashamed with every mark I lost – and i wanted to get the highest marks in class

I however did not do well later – the fall began in 9th through 12th grade along with the entrance exams. However, i did prepare in the end a little and got good rank in one of the many exams i wrote. Which made me realize with consistent hard work i could have cracked tougher exams. In college, i have mentioned earlier – it did not require a lot of effort, so even when i did well, it did nothing for my self-esteem.

I think i defined myself by my marks when i was younger. Then i defined myself by my looks and how i was ugly and could not fit in so although it was important to still keep my marks up they were a burden and the pressure got to me.

I have not thought about whether or not i will be successful – because once the preparation is done i know i will get a job atleast in a different city. In this scenario, i would not really fail as any outcome goes fine, as i have my current job. The real failure i see is still sticking in this job where i feel less than and useless – versus if i change my job I can work harder and redefine how i look at myself and exude more confidence.