March 6, 2019 at 7:55 am #283283
Yes, it is disappointing and painful to be alone, have no one to depend on.
But what this also means is that you don’t owe your mother or your father anything, you’ve been by yourself all along, no togetherness to reciprocate. You can leave your parents’ home anytime, and … learn how to be, how to behave, on your own, elsewhere, as far away as possible.
anitaMarch 14, 2019 at 7:19 pm #284673
Since I last posted, taking all of your advice, i decided i need to leave the house, even as far as leaving the country. For which i need to prepare for interviews. I am somehow not able to follow through. I am doing some prep but it is not consistent and i don’t understand why i don’t do the work even when i know it is crucial. I don’t think it is fear. Can any of you help me with this?March 15, 2019 at 8:49 am #284763
“I don’t think it is fear”-
If it is not fear, what is it then?
anitaMarch 15, 2019 at 9:20 am #284771
I am not sure.
I know when it is fear. I freeze when i feel like it is do or die. That is not the case now.
I am really not afraid. I don’t know how a person should be when they are “driven”. Maybe i am not driven? It does not mean that much to me to achieve it? Although i am saying it is crucial – it is crucial for me to change things in my life – but maybe somewhere deep within I am supposed to feel that and i don’t? What if i just am not a person that can be driven or motivated to do things?
Now that i look back on my life – the last time i truly was motivated was all the way back in high school. I used to study a lot. I don’t think I’ve felt that since then. I do badly want the results but that somehow has not pushed me to act. In high school, i knew i had to study and I could go at it non-stop.
It is not just interview prep, even diet and exercise are the same. I am not able to do anything despite knowing that they ought to be done.March 15, 2019 at 10:02 am #284775
Maybe it is about that “learned helplessness” that I mentioned to you before- this learned helplessness is about believing that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you will not succeed. This belief kills motivation- why try if success will not happen, is the thinking behind the lack of motivation.
If you think this may be the case, will you tell me what happened with all that studying in high school, what was your goal then, what would success has meant to you at the time, that is, if you got excellent grades, what would happen next?
anitaMarch 15, 2019 at 10:34 am #284783
Back then the goal used to be to secure the best future possible – a good job – for which I had to graduate from a good college – for which i had to get really good 10th and 12th marks along with doing well in college entrace exams.
I think from 6th through 8th – i used to study really hard – i have mentioned my mother said i was on my own – but somehow i wasn’t looking that far into the future – i just knew i had to do well – that was the right thing and i worked for it. I used to feel really ashamed with every mark I lost – and i wanted to get the highest marks in class
I however did not do well later – the fall began in 9th through 12th grade along with the entrance exams. However, i did prepare in the end a little and got good rank in one of the many exams i wrote. Which made me realize with consistent hard work i could have cracked tougher exams. In college, i have mentioned earlier – it did not require a lot of effort, so even when i did well, it did nothing for my self-esteem.
I think i defined myself by my marks when i was younger. Then i defined myself by my looks and how i was ugly and could not fit in so although it was important to still keep my marks up they were a burden and the pressure got to me.
I have not thought about whether or not i will be successful – because once the preparation is done i know i will get a job atleast in a different city. In this scenario, i would not really fail as any outcome goes fine, as i have my current job. The real failure i see is still sticking in this job where i feel less than and useless – versus if i change my job I can work harder and redefine how i look at myself and exude more confidence.March 15, 2019 at 11:02 am #284791
Your goal was to get good grades so to “secure the best future possible- a good job”-
-can you describe that “best future possible” that you thought about when you were in 6th- 8th grade: where will you be living, with your parents or alone, or married, children? How will your every day be like, what will you be doing with your time, how will you be feeling? And who will be loving you in this best future possible?
anitaMarch 15, 2019 at 1:14 pm #284807
On second thought, I think that your lack of motivation is about the lack of love in your life.
You wrote that your mother was unhappy when you arrived into her life and ever since. You wrote that your family “is very rigid”, family members “don’t really express our feelings”, that the idea of someone being “always there for you and cherish you” is something you “don’t have evidence for”.
You wrote that in your family, “no one cares about emotional needs”, that “love is expressed only during illnesses, the rest of the time it is just words and not actions”.
You wrote that you don’t have a good relationship with your father, that your grandmother is horrible, that your conversations with your mother are limited to the latest scandals, gossip and news.
“I think love is a Western concept”, you wrote. And you wrote: “I decided I need to leave the house, even as far as leaving the country”-
-I think it is time for you to move to the West, where love is a concept.
You need love no less than any human. Humans need love because we are social animals, and all social animals need love and thrive on love. I think you are not driven in your life because you’ve been surviving without love for too long. You dried out like a plant that has been without water for too long.
There is a song that says: “All you need is love”. Can it be as simple as that?
March 15, 2019 at 6:40 pm #284827
- This reply was modified 5 days, 11 hours ago by anita.
The best future possible was to earn as much as possible so my family does not fall out on the streets. That was it , i did not think about who i would live with. Marriage never crossed my mind. I don’t think back then i realized i would be put through that. I expected my mother to have different views, as we had anyways broken the mould as a family. My father could not be the reliable centre, she obviously should have been able to see that marriage is not neccessary.March 15, 2019 at 6:45 pm #284829
How do you define love, anita?
I am not sure about love anymore. Just telling someone you love them is not enough, my father did just that. My mother always took care of us, besides emotional stuff – i thought that was love and she is just not capable of dealing with emotional needs.
My definition does not come out of experience but expectations which were formed by movies. What does it mean for somebody to love you or vice versa in real life?
March 16, 2019 at 7:21 am #284861
- This reply was modified 5 days, 5 hours ago by gj.
You asked me how do I define love, here is my answer:
When you love pizza, you want to eat it when you smell it, your mouth salivates, you eat it and enjoy it, then you want more.
When you love a photograph of a person, you put it in a nice frame, hang the photograph on the wall or place it on your desk or carry it in your purse and you look at it from time to time, feeling a joy in your heart when you look at it.
When you love playing chess, you enjoy playing it, time goes by quickly, you forget all your troubles, being totally focused on the game. You keep all the parts of the game clean, neat and safe, so to be able to play again anytime.
When you love a dog, you feed it and take it out, if it gets injured you care for it, take it to the vet, you give him a bath once in a while so to keep him in the house and enjoy the dog’s company indoors, you pet it, you play with it sometimes, you don’t kick it or hit it or otherwise mistreat it.
When you love a person, you never hit or yell at the person, never call him or her names, never say insulting things (ex., you-are-worthless). You get angry at him or her sometimes, but you don’t mistreat him or her. You maintain a no aggression policy with that person at all times.
You sometimes ask the person: how are you, how do you feel? And you sometimes ask the person: what do you think about this and that? You ask because you are curious about what the person thinks, what he or she values, what motivates him or her, is he or she content or not content, what does he or she want in life.
Sometimes, when the person looks sad, you ask: what is happening? You feel a bit of pain seeing him or her sad and you want to know why the person is sad and if there is something you can do to help. When you see that person happy, you feel pleased.
Sometimes you don’t pay attention to the person you love and live with, being otherwise occupied for hours, but you are attentive sometime during any one day. When you are not attentive, if the person says: I need your help- you pay attention, you want to help and you do your best to help.
When you love a person you keep your word to him or her, you want the person to trust you and you want to be 100% worthy of that trust.
March 16, 2019 at 7:35 am #284865
- This reply was modified 4 days, 17 hours ago by anita.
Thank you for explaining, anita.
I have never done all that for anyone nor have i seen anyone do that. Do you think people do all that because they know they are expected to? Would it still be love if you have to tell someone the way you have to be treated?
And another thing – you mentioned that I maybe demotivated due to a lack of love – but i see well functioning people like my cousins that are like machines, they do not have love either yet they don’t struggle like I do. I am worried I may not be able to fix this. I don’t think i should move for love. I don’t want to depend on another person for anything. If i go looking for love, believing it will help me move forward in life, it will be devastating. Reality so far has been that I get rejected for my looks. I have no hope of going on dates and finding love.March 16, 2019 at 8:45 am #284875
You are welcome.
“I don’t think I should move for love”- to find and have a loving relationship is a long term goal. Many people in any and every country don’t have that, it is not specific to a country, culture, or economic status: love between adults is rare everywhere. Therefore, it makes no sense to arrive at any one location with the expectation that upon arrival, there is love there to be had.
Moving will make sense if it significantly increases your chances of finding and maintaining a love relationship with a man. Living with your mother and sibling in the same bedroom, in a home without love, in a place where arranged marriages is the practice (marriages arranged by unqualified people!), – these are circumstances that significantly limit your chances of being in a loving relationship.
Regarding your looks, if I remember correctly, you are troubled by being too tall, correct? Well, there are countries where men are taller than where you are living, something to consider.
“I see well functioning people like my cousins that are like machines, they do not have love either yet they don’t struggle like I do”- they struggle in different ways, they suffer too, just not in the same exact ways you do. Humans cannot live contently as machines. We all need love. Think about the very successful people in the west, international movie stars, making millions of dollars, living in material luxury, without love, they struggle too, Robin Williams, for example, he struggled a lot, for a long time.
“Do you think people do all that because they know they are expected to? Would it still be love if you have to tell someone the way you have to be treated?”- if a person treats you in a loving way, then it is love regardless of you telling the person how to treat you or he/s he treating you lovingly without being told. If a person acts lovingly toward you following listening to you, thinking and planning how to be loving in actions, that is even more loving than a person who effortlessly acts on love that is spontaneously felt.
“I have never done all that for anyone nor have I seen anyone do that”- we don’t know something is possible until and unless we experience it. No way for you to experience it until and unless you take a leap of faith, believing it is possible and then making choices so to significantly increase your chances of experiencing love.
anitaMarch 16, 2019 at 9:23 am #284879
I don’t know what i should I do, what action to take. If i need to first find motivation, i am done for as that is the issue. I am not able to work on interview prep. What if i the issue is that i am not passionate about/love my career? I have no passion for anything! Where do i start? I am really lost.March 16, 2019 at 9:48 am #284881
First thing to do is to calm down and not be alarmed for not feeling passion or motivation. Accept that you do have the option to do not do anything at all.
Have your well being in mind. If it is better for you at this time, or at anytime, to do nothing at all, then do nothing at all. You don’t have to follow anyone else’s idea of what is right for you to do. It is your life, you decide.
It is every person’s need to live a purposeful life, to move toward a goal. Because a big goal is overwhelming, establish a small goal, a doable goal, one that can relatively easily be accomplished today. Then go about it and achieve it. Do this every day, or every other day, get used to setting small goals and achieving them. This will give you the practice you need to one day, maybe, if you choose so, to set a bigger goal and go about achieving it.