Hey. For those who are wondering – it was Cau Lao for dinner tonight – thick pieces of pork in aromatic noodles, herbs and crackling squares…..mmmm…..all for a £1! Yep, Shelby, think you and Kkasxo would love it here, very freeing. Moving on tomorrow to be near the beach for our last leg on this trip.   Re plane tickets, I usually book 3-4 months out when I see a good deal but Momondo has a great feature which lets you see what/when prices tend to change over time, very useful.

Hmm – so I’m not surprised you came up with a bunch of reasons/excuses for his behaviour – I was kinda expecting you to if I’m honest. After all, we tend to defend people we love, rightly or wrongly eh.  So let’s have a go at working through it eh, see if I can help out before I move on again.

1.  Does it actually matter why he is what he is?? I’m sure it isn’t because he is a player or badly motivated but the problem or reality is that regardless he has no motivation or need to change the behaviours you don’t like about him.  You have tried being clear on these, explaining what is acceptable instead and you have explained how it hurts you when he doesn’t do them. Neither approaches have worked, he has not changed.  You have tried ( kind of ) leaving him, he has not changed.  What else do you plan on changing – I’m not sure I see what’s left to try here. ( I’m not counting hanging around in hope rather than expectation as something realistic to try, sorry… )

2. These behaviours you would like to be different cause you enough dissatisfaction with this relationship to realise you do not want to settle with no change on his side, that in fact you do want more from a relationship. Your anxiety seems worse/no better being back with him. You also do not appear happier for the contact, actual time spent with him aside?

3. What do you actually appreciate about him? What value does he add to your life?  If you truly appreciate him as he is, flaws and all –  then you are not looking for him to change?  Have you told him in black/white terms what you are looking for & what has his response been? I don’t buy the first relationship excuse, I understand what you mean but if this guy was really into you, he’d be much more eager to listen to what you want and learn. It seems he has ignored this?

4. I don’t think it is childlike naivety, you are very aware of the choices you are making. But I do think like a lot of women you can be blinkered to reality, holding out hope you can be the one to ‘fix’ him, that if you hang in there long enough he will come to realise he does want a future with you etc etc. Some just find it hard to resist a challenge and for some it’s hard to choose not to invest more time in someone already have so much invested in. Some are just too damn scared to give up on what they had imagined as their perfect future, again ignoring reality. I suspect you are in the last camp…?

5. What do you plan on saying to him when you talk? I would be curious to understand why he didn’t get in touch himself. Something different would be to lay out basic groundrules for him to either agree or not, if he is that clueless about managing relationships. Something like, 1 – 2 meet ups/week, 3 phone calls initiated by him etc or whatever you deem acceptable for a relationship at this stage. Commiting to the Aus/NZ trip with you and if all goes well on the trip, moving in together when you get back. Obviously I wouldn’t usually lay it down like that but this isn’t a new relationship for you both – I think that’s the kind of thing you are looking for from him if I understand you correctly. By laying it out for him, it will be black/white as to if he sees it the same way or not. I suspect the clarity might help you both see exactly what you do/don’t want.

Good luck! Hope you get what you want from him when you talk to him.